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Now that Johnny Depp has twice won People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” title, it’s time to ask: How is the winner of this contest determined?
Not through laboratory testing and analysis, obviously (although that is the only way to be certain).
In an ideal world, testosterone and pheromone levels would have to be measured.
The hypothalamus, every brain’s regulator of erotic activity, would have to be probed.
Veins would be pierced, innards would be held up to the light.
This doesn’t happen, of course.
In fact, the editors who pick the finalists and the winner have likely not even met the finalists and the winner.
So how do they know these men are sexy?
They’ve seen their movies.
Folks, if you haven’t learned this by now, you may never learn it (at least not until you get to the next sentence).
With the right lines, lighting, makeup, cinematography, hairpieces and CGI, anyone can be made to seem sexy in a movie. Even Rainn Wilson.
Trust me, if the right people were involved, Rainn Wilson could be cast as the lead in a remake of “American Gigolo” and you would willingly disband your Robert Pattinson fan club, Heavy Pattin’, to start a new club called The Rainn Makers.
Movie acting is no judge of real-world sexiness.
The title of this contest should be Sexiest Man Alive As Chosen from a Short List of Consistently Overpaid and Overexposed Actors Who Haven’t Shamed Themselves Too Permanently.
Of course, the cost of glossy paper stock being what it is these days, they had to shorten it.
But Sexiest Man Alive?
Think about all the countries that are pretty much eliminated because we don’t tend to import many actors from there.
Think about all the continents.
Think about the professions that are disqualified because they don’t involve the hiring of actors.
Is the average matador sexier than any above-average actor?
Is the average Barcelona tour guide?
Is the average Spanish janitor?
I have no idea. I’ve never been to Spain. But it is my understanding that there are a lot of sexy guys there.
My point is, this contest is rubbish. How rubbishy? Rumor has it that Pattinson came in second this year.
He’s a good-looking guy, but he’s 23, for Pete’s sake.
He knows less about sex than I know about “The Twilight Saga.”
Here’s a list of actors who have never gotten and will never get this award: Liam Neeson, Viggo Mortsensen, Peter Sarsgaard, Jon Hamm, Don Cheadle, Benicio Del Toro and Javier Bardem.
These guys are far sexier than anyone who has won so far, but they’re not famous enough or rich enough.
They don’t do enough summer blockbusters, and they’re not smitten enough with their celebrity.
It takes a certain man to win this award – for example, a man who just signed back onto a megabucks crapfest franchise he’d previously rebuffed.
Depp recently agreed to do “Pirates of the Caribbean 4” for the astounding fee of $35 million.
He agreed after suggesting two months ago that he was less motivated to maintain his ties to the interminable pirate saga after the “abrupt departure” in September of studio chief Dick Cook.
Legend has at that Cook defended Depp’s eccentric interpretation of Jack Sparrow when other execs at Disney wanted to fire Depp during the filming of the first installment.
As we all know, Depp’s memorable performance in that first film is probably the only reason they’re talking about a fourth.
“He’s instantly trustworthy,” Depp said of Cook in the Los Angeles Times in September. “And you generally don’t meet people at the studios you trust. … He’s a rare beast.
“There’s a fissure, a crack in my enthusiasm at the moment,” he said.
Apparently, somebody found some caulk.
I believe People magazine wanted to reward Depp for his decision to cave in to the considerable enticements offered by an enormous payday.
After all, who’s sexier than a guy who is $35 million richer and only slightly poorer in the principles department?
No one!
Either that or almost anybody.
