Just a few hundred years ago, if Baldric and Linota – denizens of medieval Europe – got married, it was probably for monetary gain, power or simple survival. The chances that Baldric loved Linota with the burning passion of a thousand suns were slim to none.

It doesn’t take a study or magazine article to realize that such medieval relationships are far from today’s version of love and marriage. Today, folks “worship the couple” and wed for love, according to an article in “Psychology Today,” which looked at the history of marriage.

But relationships are also different. No two are alike, and trying to define a relationship is no easy task.

Faye Westropp, a licensed therapist with Aboite Counseling and Therapy Group in Fort Wayne, concurs. The reasons behind relationships are much different than they used to be. Divorce has changed the face of marriage. Cohabitation has changed it. The women’s movement has changed it.

“Even 50 years ago, it was expected that a woman would get married, and they did, I think, not knowing what exactly that commitment would mean to them, and they stayed in that commitment because they didn’t know what that commitment was supposed to be,” Westropp says.

“Now with careers and the whole sense of discovering (that people) want more than what they did when they said the ‘I do,’ marriage has evolved with a whole different expectation.”

Folks are waiting longer to get married, and Westropp says this illustrates that people take the union more seriously than they used to. Men and women put more thought into marriage because the expectation is no longer that marriage is necessary for fulfillment – people can stand to be choosier.

Indeed, marriage is still an important part of many relationships.

Indiana’s marriage rate is slightly higher than the national average. Currently, 54 percent of men and 50 percent of women are married in Indiana, according to a 2009 finding by the Pew Research Center. Nationally, 52 percent of men and 48 percent of women are. Allen County officials do not have marriage rates for the county, but according to the Allen County Superior and Circuit courts clerk, 2,494 applications for marriage were filed in 2009.

Joel McArthur, therapist and owner of Warsaw’s McArthur Counseling Centers, says some factors that may appear to have changed the face of marriage simply hasn’t, such as gay marriage. With many of the gay couples he has worked with, one partner will often take on the traditionally “husband” role; the other, the “wife.”

Instead, McArthur says, the way people spend their time is changing marriage. People are less involved with their spouses and more involved with, for example, running children to soccer practice.

“I think people are so busy today, and they have so many other priorities, and they don’t have the same commitment that they used to have to marriage,” he says.

In addition, instead of working on a problem, couples can turn to the Internet, McArthur says, which makes it easier for husbands or wives to find someone with whom they have things in common. This means they don’t have to face issues that may arise in their marriage.

The following couples represent five types of relationships. One has been married for more than 50 years; another’s marriage is barely more than a decade old. One is formerly engaged but still living together, while another is in its second marriage. And finally, two women celebrate a relationship that is not recognized in many states.

2nd time’s a charm

“I don’t want to be away from my kids, but when are you a couple? When do you giggle together? You have to continue to do that.”

– Dodi Timbrook, Fort Wayne

Tand Dodi Timbrook have a sweet love. It appears comfortable, but not stagnant.

Just watch them glance at each other, hold hands, laugh with each other, and you’ll see it, too.

Maybe it’s because they know how special their relationship is – both are divorced and neither thought another marriage would be an option.

They met through a mutual friend, and they cultivated their relationship by phone – Dodi lived in Cincinnati while T was in Fort Wayne.

After six months, T wanted to meet. He called Dodi and asked whether she wanted to have coffee together. She agreed.

“Why not today?” T, 43, remembers asking, “and the phone drops.”

“I knew if I didn’t meet him that day, he’d probably never call again,” says Dodi, 45.

That day, T drove to Cincinnati. The two had coffee, visited for a few hours, and T drove home.

After a few months of a long-distance relationship, T wanted to wed, but he wouldn’t commit unless Dodi agreed to have children with him.

“I’m just too old for all that,” Dodi says, “so I said, ‘OK, fine.’ I’ll never have to cover that.”

They now have two daughters together.

In second marriages, couples often have a good history of learning from their first marriages, Warsaw therapist McArthur says. Often, people who get married in their late 20s or early 30s have a good success rate – they have a better idea of what they want than a couple who married young.

“My concern always was, if you get divorced, you still see that as a legitimate option the second time,” he says.

The couple is among the 12 percent of divorced folks in Indiana and 10 1/2 percent nationally, according to the Pew Research Center.

However, T and Dodi, who have been married seven years, say they are committed to making things work.

Dodi recently realized that staying romantic with her husband was difficult with young children, and she and T decided it might be fun to shake things up. Dodi stumbled upon MarriedLife Online, a website for couples that’s run by three Georgia churches.

There she found the Great Date Experiment.

The idea is for couples to kick start their romance by going on real dates – not just a conversation-less dinner and a movie. Each participant doesn’t get to see what will be done ahead of time, and everything is planned for them.

In one instance, the planning comes right down to the time spent at stoplights. On one date, T and Dodi had to kiss through a red light until someone beeped at them – even if that meant staying put and continuing to smooch when the light turned green. T and Dodi grin as they recount this experience.

“I was kind of skeptical because I don’t like someone else planning my date out,” T says, but he quickly realized he enjoyed the program. “It was like we were dating again, like we were 16 or 17.”

School sweethearts

“I think people go into marriage maybe not taking it as seriously (as they should). We have fights, but it’s never, ‘Screw you, I want a divorce.’ ”

– Stephanie Eastom, Fort Wayne

When Stephanie and Brian Eastom went on their first date, there was a third wheel. It was Stephanie.

She thought she was on a date with her future husband, while he thought he was on a date with that other girl. Brian and the other girl smooched at the theater, and then some more in the backseat of Stephanie’s car while Stephanie played chauffeur.

“He got dumped a few days later,” Stephanie says, grinning.

Brian and Stephanie worked together at Scott’s Food Stores, and they were friends. But after the first date/non-date (depending on which one you ask), Stephanie was a little cold to her now-husband. But not for long.

Stephanie, 30, and Brian, 31, started dating the day Brian got his driver’s license. One month after high school graduation, they moved into their first apartment. A year later, they were married.

They were 19, considerably younger than the current average age of first marriage, which in Indiana is 27 for men and 26 for women, according to the Pew Research Center.

The Eastoms are in the minority. Marriage trends show that couples who wed at a young age tend to have difficulties making their marriages work, McArthur says.

“In those early years, in the 20s, a lot of people are still searching for their identity and their independence,” he says. “When people are married (young), rather than seeing marriage as a stabilizing factor, they tend to view it as being restrictive.”

Often, McArthur says, these couples don’t share friends – instead, the husband has his friends, and the wife, hers.

The Eastoms do have their own friends, but they’d rather spend time together, both say. They’ve been married a little more than a decade, and they still want to spend as much time as they can together. The idea of a “girls’ night” or “boys’ night” doesn’t appeal to them either.

The Eastoms have two children. They had their children early, but that was all part of Brian’s 40-year plan.

Stephanie had Aaliyah when she was 20, and Aiden at 22. According to the plan, when the younger turns 18, Stephanie and Brian will be 40.

“And they’ll be out of the house,” Stephanie says.

The cohabitants

“

We’re just going to live together and love each other, and what do we need a piece of paper for?”

– John Kirkhoff, New Haven

John Kirkhoff and Julie Kerns used to be engaged. The New Haven couple purchased rings in October 2008. In June of last year, Kerns started to wear her ring regularly. Later that month, Kirkhoff proposed. By August, however, Kerns had called it off.

In the end, Kirkhoff says, Kerns felt too much pressure.

“You asked for the ring back,” Kerns tells Kirkhoff, “and I ended up giving you back the diamond. It didn’t feel right.”

“You sat on the love seat and cried and cried and cried,” Kirkhoff says.

Kerns was waiting on disability care, she says, and she worried a wedding would effect when the paperwork would go through.

The two are still living together, but they split up just before Christmas. They’re still working on things, Kerns says, but she no longer considers Kirkhoff her boyfriend – just her roommate.

In 2007, there were 6.2 million unmarried couples living together, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The number of cohabiting couples increased nearly 90 percent between 1990 and 2007.

A cohabiting couple’s marital history often determines whether they will get married, McArthur says.

“A lot of times, the attitude is, ‘I’ve been divorced and I’ve been burnt once before, so I’ll stay with the person,’ but there’s not the same level of commitment,” he says.

Kerns, 38, wed for the first time when she was 19. She had a daughter, and the marriage had barely passed the two-year mark when the couple split.

Kerns and Kirkhoff, 45, had married into the same family. Kirkhoff had married an aunt, and Kerns married a nephew. The two always felt a connection, Kirkhoff says, and they’d discuss their marital troubles together, each serving as a kind of lifeline for the other. They talked about leaving their spouses, too.

Kirkhoff divorced in March 2008, and Kerns again in May 2009, but the two have lived together for about four years.

“When we got together, for me, it was kind of like a window of new opportunity. Getting together with him was my way of getting out of the marriage,” Kerns says.

Kerns and Kirkhoff live in a mobile home in New Haven. Space is tight, as there is little storage space. There are two bedrooms and Kerns’ three daughters share a room. Kirkhoff loves Kerns’ daughters as his own, he says, and he is happy to count them as part of his family.

“I love them to death,” he says.

The same-sex couple

“Nikki asked, ‘Do you think we should have the same last name because we want to have kids?’ That was an easy decision to make.”

– Kara Foltz, Fort Wayne

Nikki and Kara Foltz wanted to have children. They were in a committed, serious relationship. They were in love.

Marriage was the next logical step.

Kara proposed first. She wanted to wait until Christmas, but about a week before, she couldn’t wait.

“We were sitting on the couch watching TV, and I told her being in a relationship with her is easy, and she’s my best friend,” says Kara, 26.

“And we were gonna spend our lives together, and it was so sad,” says Nikki, 28.

“It was sad,” Kara agrees.

“Well, we were crying,” Nikki clarifies.

After Nikki said yes, she ran and got the ring she had purchased for Kara – both women had planned to propose to the other.

Nikki and Kara had a ceremony at Plymouth Congregational Church in Fort Wayne in 2007, a union recognized by themselves and their friends and family, but not by the state of Indiana.

Gay marriage is legal in six states, and 29 states have constitutional amendments banning it, according to the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life. This year, the Indiana Senate approved a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. If the resolution is approved again next year, the bill will to go voters in 2012.

“For as untraditional as our relationship is in some people’s eyes, we have a very traditional relationship and marriage,” Kara says. “We do the same kinds of things as every other couple. It doesn’t seem weird at all because it just seems like part of life.”

It’s mainly the day-to-day routine that makes things so conventional, Nikki says: coming home from work, taking their foster daughters here and there, going to church on Sundays.

When Kara and Nikki started dating, they had to be secretive about their relationship. Kara went to a Christian college, and when the school found out she had been dating a woman (someone before Nikki), it required her to start counseling.

“It was weird because I’d never had to do that before,” Nikki says of keeping things secretive.

Nikki came out to her parents when she was 14, so she’d been open about her sexuality for a while; Kara didn’t tell her parents until the summer before senior year of college.

“They were like, ‘You finally got around to telling us?’ ” Kara says.

The women want to have a family, and they talk of adopting and of having their own child – a baby Kara would carry through a sperm donor. Their current foster daughters call Nikki and Kara by their first names, but to their friends, the couple are “my moms.”

Nikki and Kara have thought about what they would want future sons and daughters to call them. Maybe they’ll both be “mom,” and the difference will be tonal inflections, where one woman is “mom” where the voice rises, like a question, and the other will be “mom” where the voice deepens, like a statement.

“We’ve considered the British ‘Mum.’ We really like ‘papi,’ (which is) ‘father’ in Spanish,” Kara says, but they don’t like “madre.” “Not as cool.”

Long-haul couple

“My mother told me (marriage is) a lifetime thing. If you don’t have the intentions of making it work, don’t enter into it.”

– Ilar Wattley, Fort Wayne

Laurence Wattley was sitting atop a slide. He saw a pretty girl on the playground below.

“Come here and kiss me,” he shouted to her.

She looked around. Surely this cute boy could not be talking to her.

“Who, me?” asked the pretty girl.

“Yeah, you.”

“So I kissed him,” Ilar Wattley says 62 years later in their Fort Wayne living room.

Laurence and Ilar were married 3 1/2 years later at 18 years old by the justice of the peace, a schoolmate’s father. Ilar was pregnant, and she did not want to bring a baby in the world without a father.

“I got married in socks and white and brown shoes, and one of those big hoop skirts, and a big top to come over the belly,” she says. “No flowers or nothing like that. Just glad to be married.”

Last year, for the couple’s 58th wedding anniversary, Ilar wore a beige outfit with gold ribbon trim. It was elegant, she says, and there were flowers on the tables.

The Wattleys are a member of an elite club: those who make it to their golden wedding anniversary. Only 5 percent of couples who were married in 2004 had been so for at least 50 years, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Part of the reason these long-haul couples are unusual is divorce, McArthur says. Another is health issues.

Long-term couples tend to have a good foundation, and they spend time together. Family is important to them, and the relationship is often a low-maintenance one. “They’re just happy being together,” he says.

The Wattleys had eight children and also raised Ilar’s nephew. The family endured financial troubles – Laurence says he’d work three and sometimes four jobs to provide for his family – but theirs was a happy home, Ilar says.

People are too impatient and too immature in their marriages today, Laurence says. Too often, couples are fickle and will bail if something gets difficult, he says.

People shouldn’t rush into these unions. Take a year and think about it, and try to get as much information about marriage and families as possible before jumping into the commitment, he advises.

However, the relationship that started at 14 years of age is still sweet at 76, for Ilar, and 77, for Laurence. The two are still so in love, Ilar says, and as she talks, Laurence studies her.

He is quiet, and attentive. His wife is a spitfire – it’s obvious after about 10 minutes of talking to her. Laurence tells of how much joy he received out of providing for her and their family.

Laurence worked a variety of jobs but spent nearly 40 years at Parkview Hospital. He would do whatever he could to give his bride what she wanted – so much so that, Ilar says, she had to stop verbalizing things she wanted, even in passing, because Laurence would take those things seriously.

She knows she has a good man. So do other women. Once, after they were married, Ilar remembers a conversation with one of her husband’s exes.

“His old girlfriend came up to me one time and said, ‘You got him now. You just see who ends up with him,’ ” Ilar says with a chuckle. “And I said, ‘We sure will.’ ”

jyouhana@jg.net