Q. A guy at work has told me I’m intimidating. I try hard to be approachable and easygoing. Now I am staying quiet in meetings and wondering how to change my reputation. My performance review is coming up – what should I do?
A. Realize that one person’s opinion doesn’t create a majority. Your performance review is about pleasing your boss, not your co-worker.
Trying to guess at the meaning of vague feedback is one of the most common mistakes people make at work. Your co-worker could have meant anything from “I’m jealous of you” to “You speak loudly in small spaces.” The only way you’ll know what he meant will be to ask him.
The executives I coach tell me they often accept vague feedback because of fear of looking stupid. They believe they should know what people mean at all times.
Realize that being quiet in meetings, looking confused or being afraid to do anything will make you look stupid much faster than asking questions.
Unless you are psychic, there are many statements other people will make that are confusing. Unless you want to wait until you live on a planet where everyone gets mandatory interpersonal skills training, get good at asking questions. You’ll then not be at the mercy of others’ lack of communication training.
Go back to your co-worker and tell him you realize he is trying to improve your work performance. Then ask him to provide you with an example of what you do when you are “intimidating” and what behavior he would like instead.
If he seems confused, continue to ask for an example. If your co-worker keeps using vague language, offer him a choice. Let him know that you would like to not be “intimidating” but have no way of changing unless you know what behavior he wants from you. Ask him to think it over and come back to you with his request.
If you don’t ask, he won’t tell, and you’ll keep getting confusing criticism that makes you feel bad without knowing what else to do. If you do ask, you may stumble over a surprise that his frustration isn’t about you.
If he tells you he is upset you made a brilliant presentation at the last meeting, you’ve just discovered he is jealous. Sometimes co-workers get mad at us because they perceive us to have some talent or opportunity that they want.
If you discover your co-worker is mad because you’ve got something he wants, you can offer to assist him by mentoring him. If he rejects your help, you’ll both know your co-worker’s frustration isn’t your problem. Obviously, you being less competent isn’t going to fix your co-worker’s distress.
It takes courage to ask questions when you might hear negative information. Then again, you finally have the power to either change what you can or let your co-worker struggle with his envy.
The Last Word(s)
Q. I have an employee who needs to shape up or get fired. Don’t I want to focus on the positive to motivate him?
A. No, grown-ups need to know what is at stake. Don’t threaten, but do tell him his options if you want to give him the best chance.
