Q. My former boss and I are still good friends. Recently she wrote me an e-mail accusing me of gossiping about her and betraying her confidences. I am careful with what my friends say and don’t gossip. How do I regain her trust?
A. Betrayal is one of the worst emotional experiences for people at work or off.
Being hurt is never fun, but being hurt by anyone you’ve trusted makes you feel you’ve participated in your own downfall. When people feel both stupid and hurt, they don’t usually demonstrate their best thinking.
They shoot first and ask questions later.
Few people have the presence of mind to ask questions and find out whether their suspicions are warranted before attacking. After licking your wounds, realize your boss has been given bad information or misinterpreted your behavior.
What you do next will confirm her fears or encourage her to rethink her conclusions. With a workplace friendship in trouble – don’t use e-mail. Phone her and let her know you completely understand her reactions if she believes you’ve betrayed her confidences. Let her know how important her friendship is and ask her to meet you in person.
Don’t defend yourself. Innocent people do not defend themselves. When you see her in person, ask her what has happened for her to decide you would betray her trust. Ask her to remember your past relationship and tell you whether you’ve done anything to make her suspicions seem likely.
When people are hurt or angry, they can develop tunnel vision. They will forget you have been helpful, kind and generous for 400 years, and freak out about one person saying you did them wrong.
When you remind your friend about your history, she will see the current situation against the backdrop of the past. She will see that you historically have not been untrustworthy.
The only situation in which people will believe a negative spin on your behavior is if they have been silently upset at you. Then the current issue serves as a magnet for all unresolved problems and wham you’re the bad guy.
In this case, referring to your mutual history will bring up the problems and an opportunity to finally resolve her past frustrations. Your ability to be non-defensive, kind and curious about their accusations will usually be proof enough that a misunderstanding (not demonic behavior) has occurred.
The Last Word(s)
Q. I work with a guy who gives me the creeps. Everybody says I’m being judgmental, but I can’t shake my reaction. Should I try to be more open-minded?
A. No, gut reactions are your early warning system. In the wrong situation the right gut reaction can save your life.
