Ridgemont High School. Now that was an institution of learning. They had a ringer (Forest Whitaker) on the football team, that stoner Spicoli (Sean Penn) who ordered pizza to class and Mr. Vargas (Vincent Schiavelli), who was a little slow because he just switched to Sanka, so have a heart.
But would you really want to attend the fictional California high school from 1982’s “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? Dealing with that lunatic history teacher, Mr. Hand (Ray Walston), would be too much for me.
Still, there are plenty of fictional high schools from TV and movies worth coveting. So as the next generation of Spicolis heads back to class, here are five schools we all wish we’d attended instead of our real alma maters.
1. East High School (“High School Musical”): Sure, Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale) was a nuisance in the Disney movies. But take heart, Wildcat fans. There’s no problem at East High that can’t be solved with a talent show, basketball championship or science fair – preferably staged within minutes of each other.
Memorable line: “In my other schools, I was the freaky math girl. It’s cool coming here and being … whoever I want to be.”
2. Bronson Alcott High School (“Clueless”): If you didn’t catch on to the self-deprecating humor in this 1995 Alicia Silverstone movie, you probably also thought Ren and Stimpy were “way existential,” too. Still, nobody can hate a fashion-savvy high school in Beverly Hills. It’s a great place to break in a pair of purple clogs.
Memorable line: “Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.”
3. Bayside High School (“Saved by the Bell”): Long before Dustin Diamond and Elizabeth Berkley were making sex tapes and R-rated flicks like “Showgirls,” they were just two of the acid-washed, frosted-hair students on NBC’s Saturday morning show. And who didn’t love Principal Belding? “Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?”
Memorable line: “I like school ... it’s a good way to kill time between weekends.”
4.
Cooley High School (“Cooley High”): Did you forget this 1975 movie about Detroit’s coolest high school? Fans loved it so much, ABC retooled it and turned it into a TV series in 1976: “What’s Happening!!”
Memorable line: “Basketball days, and high nights. Obeying no laws, except the law of caring.”
5. Rydell High School (“Grease”): The football team stinks, Principal McGee is a blowhard, the new girl in school has a strange accent and those T-Birds and Pink Ladies look like they should have graduated about 10 years ago. But, oh, those summer nights!
Memorable line: “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.”
For every Rydell High, there are a dozen other fictional high schools to be avoided at all costs. Here are five that come to mind:
1. Sunnydale High (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”): Where to start … It’s overrun by vampires, gets destroyed by the students at the end of Season 3, and – oh yeah – happens to be located on top of a Hellmouth. (It’s a mystic portal for evil!)
2. Westerburg High (“Heathers”): Winona Ryder kills her classmates because “I just want my high school to be a nicer place.” Mission accomplished.
3. Dillon High (“Friday Night Lights”): Based on football-crazed Permian High in Odessa, Texas, this school is only fun if you know your X’s and O’s.
4. William Mckinley High (“Glee”): Oh sure, if you’re in Mr. Schuester’s show choir, it’s a hoot. Otherwise, welcome to the tyrannical world of coach Sue Sylvester.
5. James Buchanan High (“Welcome Back, Kotter”): Up your nose with a rubber hose if you forgot about the Sweathogs.
