There's a moment early on in "Men in Black 3" when Will Smith's Agent J sits down next to his longtime partner, Tommy Lee Jones' Agent K, and bemoans the fact that he's too old for this sort of thing — for running around New York in matchingFort Wayne – those black and white, “God bless us, every one” tear-jerkers that make the rounds of the networks every December – have a way of separating people into two groups. Half of us love them; the other half loves to hate them.
Take “It’s a Wonderful Life,” for instance. For every person who cheers when Jimmy Stewart finds Zuzu’s petals in his pocket, there is another person who wishes they were watching an episode of “Sextuplets Take New York” or “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” on TLC.
Makes a compromise nearly impossible, doesn’t it?
In the interest of family harmony on Christmas Eve – when relatives gather together in front of a warm, comforting DVD player – The Journal Gazette presents this list of non-Christmas Christmas movies, suitable for saps and cynics alike.
“Die Hard” (1988)
Bruce Willis stars as John McClane, a New York cop on the verge of divorce who has come to Los Angeles to spend Christmas with his estranged wife. But during his wife’s office Christmas party, everyone is taken hostage by terrorists bent on stealing $640 million. McClane – dashing in a tank top and dignified receding hairline – sneaks inside the building and blows the stuffing out of the terrorists while saying things like “Yippee-ki-yah, (expletive)!” “Geronimo, (expletive)!” and “Let’s see you take this under advisement, jerkweed!”
For the saps: We don’t want to ruin it for you, but Bruce Willis and his wife get back together at the end.
For the cynics: This movie is perfect for anyone who has ever been trapped at a boring office Christmas party, wishing they could sneak out through an air shaft.
“Trading Places” (1983)
Street hustler Eddie Murphy and broker Dan Aykroyd are unwilling participants in a social experiment concocted by rich commodity brokers Randolph and Mortimer Duke. The Christmas scene featured in the movie has it all: drugs, guns, dog pee and Aykroyd dressed as a filthy Santa Claus, eating smoked salmon through a long white beard.
For the saps: Jamie Lee Curtis plays a prostitute with – you guessed it – a heart of gold.
For the cynics: If you didn’t get that Christmas bonus this year – which, let’s face it, none of us did – watching Murphy, Aykroyd and Curtis take down a couple of evil millionaires is pretty satisfying.
“Home Alone” (1990)
Eight-year-old Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin) is accidentally left behind when his family leaves to spend Christmas in France. At first, he does a great job of eating pizza and jumping on beds. Later, however, he has to defend his home from two idiotic burglars. How? Booby traps, of course.
For the saps: After a few days, Kevin begins to miss his family. With Christmas on his mind, he ends up at a church, listening to a choir of children sing “O Holy Night” and talking with his scary old neighbor. It’s one of those sad, sweet Christmas scenes that practically forces you to cry. Fortunately it’s tempered by the scene where Joe Pesci’s head catches on fire.
For the cynics: A paint can hitting Daniel Stern in the face? Bring it on!
More movies for Christmas saps
It’s a rule that every movie staring Meg Ryan must include a Christmas scene. That said, here are our top two:
“Sleepless in Seattle” (1993) On Christmas Eve, Meg Ryan hears widower Tom Hanks talking about his wife via a call-in radio show hosted by a psychologist. She falls for him, tracks him down in Seattle and, somehow, she doesn’t seem like a stalker.
“You’ve Got Mail” (1998) Children’s bookstore owner Meg Ryan spends Christmas with friends, singing carols around a piano. It’s the kind of Christmas celebration you’d like to have, until you realize neither you nor your friends really know all the words to any Christmas songs. Maybe you can sing something by Michael Jackson instead.
More movies for Christmas cynics
“Lethal Weapon” (1987) Renegade cop Mel Gibson and veteran cop Danny Glover stop a group of drug smugglers. The fact that the movie takes place during the holiday season gives the characters the opportunity to say things such as, “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let’s get the flock out of here!”
“Gremlins” (1984). What child wouldn’t want a Mogwai for Christmas. Also, what child would remember not to give it water or feed it after midnight. Part comedy, part horror movie, “Gremlins” opens with Phoebe Cates saying, “The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas.” At that point, the Christmas cynics among us are already hooked.
