The best of recent jokes by late-night comedians:

David Letterman

“Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they’re going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go.”

“Birds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas and Louisiana and London. Today I saw my parakeet looking at the obituaries in the newspaper on the bottom of his cage, chirping, ‘Petey!’ ”

Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night was possibly the last show ever of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ for several reasons. She might run for president and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things.”

“The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it.”

“California congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a ‘national embarrassment.’ Then she watched the premiere of ‘Jersey Shore’ and was like, ‘Never mind.’ ”

Jay Leno

“John Edwards has denied ‘The National Enquirer’ story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or ‘The National Enquirer’?”

“A new study shows that a woman’s tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.”