Not long ago, I wrote about Luke and Candace who were on the brink of divorce.

After years of tolerating Luke’s short temper, his berating comments and controlling behaviors, Candace reached the end of her rope. The toll on her well-being had become too much.

She expressed this to Luke and requested time and space to think things over.

He agreed – begrudgingly.

Immediately, Luke threw himself into hot pursuit of winning her back. He was doggedly determined to halt the unraveling of their marriage.

But his ambitious attempts proved to be a huge mistake. That’s because he was displaying the very characteristics that turned her off in the first place: He came off overbearing and controlling.

“It’s always been about what Luke wants,” she said in one of our sessions.

Candace is the type of person who gives and gives of herself to the point of self-depletion. Such people eventually hit a wall.

“Your wife’s a burned-out appeaser,” I said. “She has smoothed over too many rough edges, attempted to make things harmonious too many times. She has felt obligated to others all her life, and now she’s at a point where she has an allergic reaction to the very thought of being needed.”

The best advice I had for Luke was to surrender his need to control and to practice selflessness instead. This amounts to overriding his needs and concentrating on hers.

It hasn’t been easy, but he’s making progress.

Besides therapy, he has been benefiting from the book: “The Love Dare,” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.

“It dares you to love the other person even if you’re not getting it back,” Luke said. “My goal can’t be to win her back, but to give love.”

Reduced interaction with Candace has given him time to reflect. His understanding of what she endured in the relationship has grown, along with his appreciation of just how amazing she is.

Here’s one of his journal entries: “I love the smell she leaves in the house when she gets ready to go to work. I love her wit and sense of humor. I love the way she intellectually challenges me. The goofy faces she makes. How she can’t hide her feelings and thoughts – she has the most expressive face I’ve ever seen.”

At times, he journals about his fears.

“I fear she’ll vanish and with her my only experience of love. Funny how she thought I valued things more than her. In reality, I never wanted anything as much as that feeling of love.

“The greatest stimulation to my senses would occur after a long day. I’d be sitting in a chair and she’d walk up behind and run her fingers through my hair. The hair on my arms would come to attention in response. My stress would disappear. For a few moments my world would be daffodils and baby bunnies. I wonder: Did I ever bring her such comfort – to such a safe place?”

Here’s a letter he wrote Candace; I call it a true love letter.

“At the age of 20, I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship when I met you, but that was before I was infected by you. Was it your looks? I can still see the way you looked head to toe, as if it were yesterday. But it was so much more than mere looks.

“I wasn’t old enough at 22 to understand love, or what it meant to be married. But I had no apprehension on whom I was marrying. Throughout the 26 years of our married life, I never wanted anyone else.

“I’ve watched with amazement as you won over my grandparents, people at church, people in every step of our lives. You as a loving spirit has always shown through.

“I never thought there was anything you couldn’t do. It may have blinded me to your vulnerabilities at times.

“If I could give you one gift, I would give you a place you felt safe, not from anything in the world, but a place where you could just be yourself unguarded, comfortable to relax, run naked, sing at the top of your lungs, spread your arms wide and breathe in a breath full of life.

“I hope you find that and realize what a special person you are. Through it all, and close to 30 years later, I still see you. I feel lucky to have been in your presence and blessed to have been loved by you – a blessing I wish I could have cherished more.

“I just felt the need to express this.”

His letter brought a smile to my heart.