Parents are wired with an agenda: They’re driven to keep their children pointed in the right direction and to make sure they’re always safe.

Teenagers, on the other hand, are wired to defy and rebel against anything that feels like a stranglehold. A wise, safe net feels like ridiculous, clunky chains to them.

So what’s a parent to do?

Lauren’s 17 and her parents are not at all pleased with her choice of boyfriends.

“Eddie’s not good for our daughter,” Lauren’s father, Wade, said.

“What would make you feel better about Eddie?” I asked.

“If Lauren didn’t support him financially,” he said. “She pays for his gas, and when they go somewhere to eat, she always foots the bill. He uses her.”

Pained disgust was all over Wade’s face.

He went on. “You know, it all boils down to this: I’d feel a whole lot better if he treated her well. He doesn’t. And she’s always upset.”

Colleen, Lauren’s mother, nodded.

“It worries me,” she said, flustered. “We can’t seem to reach her ... she won’t listen. We’ve tried. We’ve even set limits on how much time she can spend with him. But that doesn’t work; she just starts sneaking around.”

In a separate session, I got Lauren’s story.

“I don’t think my parents understand,” she said. “Eddie’s not that bad. They’re not giving him a chance.”

As I listened, she unloaded her grievances about her parents. As true of most teenagers, she sees them as too controlling.

I spilled the beans.

I told her about “The Agenda.”

“Your parents are wired with an agenda, Lauren. They can’t help themselves.”

I gave her a thorough explanation.

“But, they want to dictate who’s right for me,” she said.

“What kind of guy is right for you?” I asked.

For a few seconds, Lauren just gave me a blank look.

“I guess he’d be someone who is kind,” she said. “A guy who goes out of his way to make me feel special.”

“Does that describe how Eddie is with you?” I asked.

“Well ... yes. Sort of.”

“You seem uncertain,” I said.

“Well, I think maybe I give more in the relationship than he does,” she admitted.

She related some incidents but then quickly back-pedaled. Casting Eddie in a bad light made her feel guilty.

“He’s had a hard life,” she said, “I always need to remember that.”

To Lauren, Eddie’s hard life explains why he has difficulty holding down a steady job.

She views his various employers in the same light as her parents: “They don’t give him a fair chance.”

In a separate session with her parents, I explained that their daughter is “prone to feel sorry for the underdogs of the world.”

They couldn’t agree more.

I continued: “So if she senses the slightest hint of hostility toward Eddie, she will automatically go to his rescue.”

Lauren’s impulse to defend Eddie distracts her from becoming introspective.

She needs to go inside herself and size up her situation while tuning in to how she really thinks and feels. This includes what she finds objectionable about Eddie.

Quite apart from her parents, she needs to form her own conclusions.

Lauren’s parents can help her do that by becoming her allies and walking with her.

This means showing her that they’re interested and care about her struggles, instead of being reactive, critical or forceful.

To win her trust, I advised them to “look for opportunities.”

When she’s noticeably upset about Eddie, they can say tenderly: “You seem upset.”

They should strive for a caring tone that invites Lauren to confide.

They should be consoling and listen without judging, advising or lecturing.

Instead of telling her what she’s doing wrong, what she should do instead, or showering her with “I-told-you-so’s,” they should merely listen and convey understanding: “How frustrating,” “I get it,” “No wonder you’re upset. I would be too.”

When Lauren’s expressing her frustrations, her parents can trigger introspection with questions such as these: “Sweetie, how do you want Eddie to treat you?” “What do you really need from Eddie?” “What do you wish he would understand?”

Whether Lauren responds to such questions is unimportant. The purpose of the questions is to give her something to chew on. But they should also be prepared to give some advice if invited to do so.

As Colleen and Wade work to rein in their automatic responses, they’re apt to discover they have more influence – not less.

And the potential for that doubles if Lauren feels understood and senses that her parents are in her corner.