Q. I have some risks I’d like to take at work but I don’t want to end up embarrassing myself in front of my boss. Is there a way I can build up my confidence before suggesting new ideas?
A. People often believe that the order in which good things occur is this: First, they feel better. Then they act better. Life actually works the opposite way. People tend to feel better only after they take the risk to repeatedly act better.
I have had clients argue with me for years that if I could just guarantee they would feel less anxious and inadequate or more confident – then they would take risks. Life just doesn’t work this way, and boycotting reality because you don’t like this fact is a lot like boycotting gravity.
Gravity won’t change the way it works because it makes you uncomfortable. Your letter points out another common challenge.
Often, what you are unable to tolerate feeling limits your options at work. Think about how often you avoid risks at work because you can’t stand being embarrassed. How many of these actions might have resulted in cool opportunities for you if you were more interested in getting the opportunity than avoiding temporary embarrassment?
Obviously you can look for wading pool experiences to practice what you want to do. By taking baby risks first, you can work yourself up from wading pool to swimming pool, and then set out into that large corporate ocean of opportunities and risks. If we go around at work waiting until we feel “confident” and avoiding awkward feelings, other people will end up getting all the goodies. We will curse their timing, luck or confidence but the truth is these co-workers were just more willing to feel uncomfortable than we were.
If you want more power at work, you’ll have to take risks before you feel confident. Safety, familiarity and comfort at work are just side roads you’ll take while your co-workers zip along on the “grabbing the opportunity” freeway.
Now I’m not saying you have to go out of your way to attract misery. Misery has an uncanny way of finding you, so you don’t need to hunt it down. I am saying that if discomfort stands between you and something you want, quit waiting for the discomfort to go away. You’ll end up with a gravestone that says, “Still waiting.”
The last word(s)
Q. I have a co-worker who is quiet when I come into the room, looks away when I talk, and doesn’t invite me to lunch. How do I know if she’s mad?
A. Ask.
