Niles and Amelia say they fight all the time. Their conflicts don’t lead to a friendly resolution. It’s quite the opposite. Bad feelings hang in the air for days.
Those bad feelings could act as toxins destroying their relationship over time. They don’t want this to happen so they sought my help.
In their initial counseling session, I could see why their relationship was in such dire straights. One personal attack followed another, including a steady stream of eye rolls on both sides. They accused, blamed and criticized each other non-stop.
I realized that lacerating exchanges had become a habit for them – their normal way of relating – and they couldn’t figure out how to stop.
Relationships are built on many pillars: love, trust, attraction, a meshing of like minds ... the list goes on. But the maintenance of a relationship, that which sustains it, is respectful communication.
Niles and Amelia need to return to that way of talking to each other – the way they did in earlier days before their lifestyles became so hectic, and before their basic differences started to collide.
It was also before their disagreements turned into huge stacks of unresolved problems. Both avoid approaching the other when something starts to bug them. So problems don’t have a chance of getting nipped in the bud. Little gripes and annoyances build into oversized monstrosities, and the bigger troublesome issues turn into festering blobs of decay.
One of their many hot buttons involves the frequency of their conversations. Amelia wants more, Niles doesn’t. His need for interaction is low in comparison.
“You never want to talk,” Amelia charged. “Any time I want to share something with you, you act annoyed. I don’t know why I even bother.”
Niles fired back: “You never stop talking; ... you can blabber on about things forever.”
They will usually pingpong back and forth like this until I interject.
How is such bickering productive? How will they possibly get to the root of any problem so that a solution or compromise can be brainstormed?
I instructed them to reset their usual way of talking, instead expressing their actual emotion, and come from what they need – not pounce on how their partner’s at fault.
“Blaming, attacking, ... that approach doesn’t warm someone’s heart,” I said. “It just creates defensiveness.”
If we want someone to respond to our needs, we must avoid triggering their defense mechanisms.
Amelia needs more interaction with Niles, and Niles needs time for himself. The first thing they must do is realize that neither is wrong – just different.
But further complicating the issue is how they both “read” the other. Amelia interprets Niles’ desire for solitude as a lack of interest in her. Niles interprets Amelia’s anger as a general criticism of him.
If they can understand where the other is coming from – by talking respectfully and listening intently – they won’t take things so personally. Only then can they jointly construct a win-win solution.
Another source of conflict involves Niles’ son.
“Niles lets him live in our basement,” Amelia complained.
Turning toward Niles, she challenged him: “Why does he have to live with us? Look, he’s 40 years old. I think he should fend for himself.”
Niles’ expression hardened.
“Why’s it matter to you anyway?”
“Because I’d like it to be just you and me in the house,” she said. “I notice how you go out of your way to communicate with him. I’m put on the back burner.”
Niles disagreed: “I talk to him a total of two minutes per week.”
Intercepting, I instructed Amelia to express her distress without being accusatory.
She did so. Her demeanor dropped into sadness as she simply spoke the raw truth: “I wish he weren’t living with us,” she said. From that same somber space, she explained all the reasons why.
Her words brought tears to his eyes.
Likewise, I instructed Niles to express his truth.
“I want the same thing you do,” he said. “But this presents me with a dilemma. How can I remain devoted to him and to you at the same time?”
He spoke with emotion; therefore Amelia heard: “My heart hurts every day for my son.”
He proceeded to explain why. It had to do with his son’s painful childhood.
Amelia softened: “You never told me that!”
Niles maintained he did.
I interjected: “But when you first told her, did you come from your heart? Did you reveal your pain and concern over your son?”
“Probably not,” he admitted, sheepishly.
Gee. If they keep it up, Amelia and Niles will be generating nothing but good feelings that hang in the air for days.
