Q. My husband just died and I am finding that people at work – customers, co-workers and colleagues – are constantly asking me how I am.
I am a very private person and want the freedom to grieve off the job.
How do I acknowledge others’ concern, shut down those who don’t really care and keep my private life outside of work?
A. People in our culture don’t deal well with anyone who has been touched by death. Even though we know that nothing in life is certain except death and taxes, we’d rather avoid the idea of our own mortality.
You can take comfort in the reality that people’s natural narcissism will soon take over and your loss will no longer be at the forefront of their minds.
Before someone asks you about your spouse again, come up with a simple response about his death. If you want to share the cause, give your co-workers a one-sentence description. If you don’t want to share the cause, say, “Discussing the details of his death is still too fresh and painful,” and leave it at that.
Once in a while, you can expect to run into people in your workplace who have no genuine concern about you and may even take pleasure in your pain. Especially if you have any co-workers who envy your achievements, they may revel in the idea that life has taken you down a peg. Understand that this ghoulish response is more about being jealous about what they see as your wonderful life than proof you don’t deserve kindness. If you can avoid these people, do so. If you can’t, say as little as possible.
Other people in your workplace will imagine themselves in your shoes and wonder whether you will continue to function at work or fall apart. Especially if they are emotionally fragile, they may be highly anxious that you won’t be able to do your job and grieve.
If you want co-workers to not pry, you’ll need to show them and tell them that you are OK. Of course, if you spend the weekends crying, that is your own business.
Realize that most of your co-workers and customers spend most of their lives denying the obvious reality that every one of us is on loan from the Universal Library and we don’t know how long before we have to be returned.
If we tolerate this awareness, we tend to have rich and rewarding relationships because we don’t take anyone for granted.
The fact that your husband has so recently died means everyone at work will be considering the impermanence of life.
People who are emotionally healthy will treat you with empathy. People who are not so well will avoid you.
Don’t expect that right now will be a time where you will hit new highs of productivity. Grieving a loved one and having a career are the equivalent of two demanding full-time jobs. Make sure you give both time and attention.
The last word(s)
Q. I’m a customer service representative and don’t know why my customers don’t understand I’m not running the company. Is there any way to get them to have more realistic demands?
A. Yes, make sure you paraphrase their expectations in great detail. People want to be understood even more than they want to get what they want.
