Q. My boss doesn’t trust me. She double-checks everything I do, asks me the same questions and checks with other people to see what I am doing. I have a lot of experience, education and competency in my career. How do I get her to stop assuming I’m an idiot?
A. You start by realizing she doesn’t assume you are an idiot. An excellent general principle in the workplace is to realize that people are not doing things for the reasons you think. Your boss may have an anxiety disorder, and people with anxiety disorders calm down when people don’t make them more nervous.
Brain opiates (feel-good chemicals) can be either higher or lower in any given person. When people you work with have less feel-good chemicals running around in their heads, they will be anxious if they are higher functioning and depressed if they are lower functioning. You didn’t break your boss’s brain, but you can follow three rules for helping people with anxious brains at work:
First, give them all the information you can about anything you think they may worry about. You’ll find it is difficult to give too much information to people who worry.
Second, make it clear that you are taking all the action you can to control the events she may fret about. Third, let your boss talk about what concerns her. Venting will deflate the intensity of her reactions to you.
We all tend to be humorously self-absorbed when we walk into our workplaces. We assume that our co-workers are doing and saying what they are doing and saying because they are reacting to us. I recommend my clients use an opposite strategy.
Pretend nothing anyone is doing has anything to do with you. Now consider what may be going on for the other person.
Your explanation will always be closer to the truth. If we don’t accurately diagnose the source of a problem between us and someone else at work, we’ll end up with a solution that won’t work.
Realize that we all carry around secret fears and inadequacies. When someone at work is reacting negatively to us, we usually hypothesize they have found out our secret deficit. If you consider what usually upsets you at work, you may discover that it offends you when you think people don’t think you are competent. Consider what upsets you about the idea that you are not perfect and neither are the rest of us. If you are sensitive to the idea that you aren’t always right and sometimes make mistakes, then you may jump to the conclusion other people hold the same expectation of you. The truth is they are too busy thinking about themselves to obsess too much about your imperfections.
Next time you believe your boss’s reaction is all about you, take a deep breath, ask her what she is concerned about, assume she is simply anxious, and watch how much easier your conversation will flow.
The last word(s)
Q. Is there a best way to influence my manager to change my schedule?
A. Yes, describe how your proposal will help your manager, and you will have his or her rapt attention.
