Q. I have a co-worker who is constantly having disasters. Her baby sitter quits, she gets sick, she gets in car accidents, and then comes in telling us her tales of woe. Everyone keeps picking up her workload, and she seems to have even more problems. I feel bad for her but am exhausted. How do I stop the pity party?
A. You can stop the pity party if you recognize the difference between bad luck and bad judgment. Bad luck, like lightning, strikes all of us once in awhile. However, people who think through the consequences of their choices do not have never-ending strings of disasters. Obviously you can’t waltz up to your co-worker tomorrow and say: “Hey, victim girl, I’m not picking up your work anymore. Start paying attention, get proactive, and quit figuring that moaning about your problems is a substitute for working!” Yes, I know it would feel great to tell your co-worker this message, but I promise it won’t change her behavior.
Instead, you need to make it unrewarding for her to keep throwing a pity party. A couple of tactics tend to be successful. You can pick what fits your personality the best:
1. Realize that two pity parties cancel each other out. Next time she starts her tale of woe, interrupt her with one of your own. If you can, make your own tale bigger and more heartbreaking than hers. Then give her a woeful look and indicate that you just couldn’t possibly take on more stress right now.
2. Tell her you worry that picking up her workload may cause your boss or management to think they could save money by cutting her job and you wouldn’t want to do anything to put her job at risk. Smile graciously and walk away.
Realize that our culture loves victim stories. News reports are full of examples of people who did something stupid, survived and now are celebrated as folk heroes.
Compassion is a fine and effective response to other people. The Latin root of “compassion” actually means to suffer with another person or to empathize from your own experience. But pity means you view another person as incapable of resiliency, resourcefulness or power.
When you have compassion for your co-worker, you can understand her suffering, but you should also hold her accountable to be a responsible adult.
If you pity your co-workers, you’ll end up working with people that seem more like children than team members.
Realize that in the long run, you are doing no one in your life any favors to see them as pathetic, pitiful and powerless victims. We all have adversity on and off the job. We all also have the power to dust ourselves off, get up and begin again more intelligently.
Q. Is there an easy way to get what you want at work?
A. Nope, microwave success stories only occur in movies and public relations brochures. Real success takes sustained effort.
