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Fiction: Any way you slice it

Have you ever seen the movie “Waitress”? You know the one – Keri Russell (let’s be honest and just call her Felicity) works in a pie shop and is a pie genius. She invents pies like Mermaid Pie and “Pregnant Miserable Self Pitying Loser Pie” and “Earl Murders Me Because I’m Having An Affair Pie” and “I Can’t Have No Affair Because It’s Wrong And I Don’t Want Earl To Kill Me Pie.”

Well, today, if I had to invent a pie, it would be “You’re a Mean Man, Wade, Sour Apple Pie” with Sour Patch Kid garnish, of course.

I don’t want to bash paying customers but he had a seriously sour attitude and he bashed the Queen Pin desserts. “Do they need ice cream to taste better?” Whatev. I bet he eats vanilla ice cream with a side of vanilla wafers. He doesn’t know how to appreciate a Snickerdoodle Cupcake or cherry pie-lette (my fancy way of saying personal pie) or a Sour Apple Pie.

By the way, I wonder just how you would make a Sour Apple Pie. It’s not like you would want to melt down Sour Patch Kids and use the gel as a dip. Or, maybe you would. Anyway … I tried to look up such a pie on my fave baking blogs and came up short. A Google search came up with sour cream apple pies. I tried searching “tart apple pie” and all I got was apple pie tarts. Pedestrian. All pedestrian.

The only thing that I can think of is tossing the apples in cinnamon, sugar and citric acid granules, which you can get at Country Kitchen. It could be really good … or really, really bad.

Kimberly Dupps Truesdell is the assistant features editor for The Journal Gazette. This blog is written as the main character of the newspaper's summer fiction series, "Queen of the City: A recipe for a mystery."

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