Well, this is peachy. Just one more piece of my innocence to go whirling off with the angels.
I mean, I really did think "The Time Tunnel" could, you know, be a reality someday. And it comes as a shock that not one but two mad geniuses -- Rod Taylor in the original "Time Machine" and Guy Pearce in the remake -- couldn't really fashion a contrivance out of an armchair and a coffee table that would whisk them through the ages.
The worst of it, though, is I can no longer fantasize about this ...
* Going back to Super Bowl III on Jan. 12, 1969, and alerting Earl Morrall to the fact that, yes, that is Jimmy Orr, and, yes, he is wide open in the end zone, you idiot.
* Going back two months to May 29, 2011, comandeering J.R. Hildebrand's radio and saying, "Uh, J.R.? You really don't want to go around Charlie Kimball here in turn four. Trust me."
* Going back to the night of April 5, 2010, and bending the rim juuust enough so that Gordon Hayward's Hail Mary for Butler slaps the iron, chatters around ... and falls in.
* Going back to May 30, 1969, and telling Mario Andretti that, now that he's finished slamming down the milk in Victory Lane at Indy, he should never come back again, because the place will make him pay for the rest of his life.
* Going back to Oct. 13, 1960, just to watch Bill Mazeroski run around the bases one more time in the bottom of the ninth of Game 7.
* Going back to March 2, 1962, just to watch Wilt score 100 again. And to see how many of the approximately 200,000 people who claim they were there that night actually were.
* Going back to Super Bowl XX in New Orleans, Jan. 26, 1986, so I can tell Patriots quarterback Tony Eason, "You really don't want to go out there, son. You just don't."
And last but not least ...
* Going back to a Sunday afternoon, any Sunday afternoon, in 1966 or '67. Just to watch a healthy Gale Sayers run the football again.