People often have to deal with difficult colleagues at work. Many people have asked me how to deal with them, especially with back stabbers.
Back stabbers engage in underhanded tactics that make you look bad. For example, someone tells you he’ll do something, but he never gets around to it. Or a co-worker says, “Sure, I’ll let the boss know you did most of the work on that project,” but never does.
Back-stabbing behaviors – such as turning the boss against someone – are vindictive, deceitful, sneaky, vengeful, nasty, conniving. Back stabbing is especially tough to deal with when the person is someone you have considered a trusted friend or colleague.
Generally, people engage in back-stabbing behaviors to gain something for themselves and gain power over you. Some would say they are insecure or jealous of your success. She wants to be noticed, and she thinks she will need you to look bad or inept in order for her to look better.
When dealing with back stabbers, it’s important to maintain your positive sense of self and not turn into a back stabber yourself.
•Assess the situation carefully. Take time to write down what the person is saying and what you actually did. For example, if the back stabber says you really didn’t spend much time on a project, then document the time you did spend.
•Don’t ignore the behavior or laugh it off, and don’t offend the person more.
•Try calmly confronting the back stabber about his or her passive-aggressive behavior or negative comments. Practice what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Use a style that will work with the person without escalating the situation, such as: “I really value our working relationship. Can you help me understand. …” Prepare for denials. You may need to calmly share evidence that he or she has engaged in these behaviors, what the effects have been, and what the consequences will be if they continue.
•Or calmly confront the back stabber in a public forum. For example, “I’m surprised to hear that you are not in favor of this idea since last week you told me you supported it.” Generally, back stabbers like to look good in public.
•Be careful about what you say about the back stabber to your mentors. Don’t overly trash the person. Having friends in high places is helpful in protecting your reputation.
•Continue to demonstrate high levels of work performance. Show colleagues that you do put in a lot of high-quality work.
•Try befriending the back stabber and those who support him. It may seem like the last thing you would want to do, but people are less likely to engage in tactics against you if you are friends with them.
•Take the high road. Don’t let it escalate to the point where both parties are seriously hurt. Fostering all that anger, frustration and vindictive behavior is consuming and sucks up so much personal energy.
