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And Another Thing

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Conspiracy theorists, unite

I love conspiracy theorists. Most of the time they're crazier than Obama birthers on Red Bull.

So it was with much amusement that the Blob notes they were out in force after this last night. Apparently the news that first-base umpire John Kulpa is a St. Louis native and lifelong Cardinals fan was enough to mobilize the First Ditzoid Division and put it on high alert after Kulpa blew a call at first base in favor of the Cardinals' Matt Holliday.

Just makin' up for Don Denkinger's legendary skewering of the Cardinals back in 1985, the screw-loose chorus went. A total revenge-is-ours-at-last deal.

Ooooo-kay. Now let me inject a little sanity into the proceedings:

1. To start with, it was a 1-0 game when Kulpa missed the call at first. St. Louis went on to win, um, 16-7. Unless Kulpa was feeding plutonium to Albert Pujols, who went 5 for 6 and hit three 400-foot homers after the blown call, I don't think he was, you know, much of a factor.

2. Yes, I'm sure Kulpa was thinking, in the split-second he made the call, that this was his chance to one-up Denkinger. First of all, that's ridiculous. Second of all, that's ridiculous. Third of all, after 13 years as an ump, he'd finally gotten the plum assignment: A World Series.

He's gonna jeopardize that by deliberately throwing a call to make up for something that happened 26 flippin' years ago? He's gonna do something that would get him thrown out of the game for life after he'd spent so much time and effort to reach the pinnacle of his profession?

Yeah. And those lights you see twinkling in the sky at night aren't really stars, either.

They're super-secret satellites. Aliens have been using them to spy on Earth for thousands of years, or since right after they taught the ancient Egyptians about the internet and then swore them to secrecy until Steve Jobs and Bill Gates came along.

Or something like that.

Ben Smith's blog.

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