Thanks in part to the Fifty Shades of Grey books (and thats all the thanks theyll get from me), we will now get sexed-up versions of classic literature.
A publisher of erotic romance that punfully refers to itself as Total-E-Bound has plans to add what it hypefully refers to as explosive sex scenes to such books as Emily Brontes Wuthering Heights, Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice, Arthur Conan Doyles Sherlock Holmes: A Study in Scarlet and Jules Vernes 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Total-E-Bound can do this because the works I have mentioned are in the public domain and are, therefore, fair game.
Its the publishing equivalent of enclosed-pen hunting – without the guilt!
I havent read any erotic romance in a while, so I can only assume that explosive sex scenes involve characters acquiring carnal knowledge of each other at munitions dumps and in fireworks warehouses while wearing kerosene cologne and flash paper underpants.
I havent read any Jane Austen in a while either, but it seems to me that adding explicit sex to Pride and Prejudice isnt quite as benign an activity as adding zombies to Pride and Prejudice (even if the same motive is involved – namely, that pesky profit one).
It may be that Austen never gave a single thought to zombies and we who live in a zombie-rich world for which we give thanks daily to our voodoo deities shudder to think of the wan and unfulfilled life she must have lived as a result of that.
But Austen undoubtedly thought about sex – its significance in her society and its place in her works.
(We) want to enhance the novels, Claire Siemaszkiewicz, founder of Total-E-Bound Publishing, told the British newspaper the Independent several weeks back, by adding the missing scenes for readers to enjoy.
Its one thing to add sex scenes to classics; its another to suggest that they were missing in the first place and that their inclusion will enhance the original works.
Who, exactly, was missing them?
Was it Austen fans or people who wont read anything unless a PR flunky has assured them that theres explosive sex in it?
I am not sure there are many things in our sex-glutted society that are less explosive than explosive sex.
Whenever I read this overworked phrase in a press release from a publishing house, I always think, Oh, thats just a code name for bad writing.
Now, I am no Austen scholar, although I would be willing to pretend to be one under certain circumstances. But I think I know enough about writers to be able to say that the great ones really dont want bad writing to be inserted into their masterpieces after they die.
And if you dont believe in the inevitable and unavoidable badness of all these new passages, then you clearly havent avoided the erotic romance genre for as long as I have.
Show me an author who is proud to say she works in the erotic romance genre, and I will show an author who is on the verge of breaking down and admitting shes a hack.
Dont take my word for it.
Heres a passage from the new Pride and Prejudice in which Elizabeth appraises Darcy: Her heart pounded as she breathed in the scents around her. The fresh, earthy smell of the forest, the pine trees, the grass beneath their bodies combined with the delicious scent of Darcy. Hot, spicy and all man.
Now, I dont doubt for a minute that some contemporary readers might be reassured to learn that Darcy is made up of 100 percent real man with no man byproducts.
In lower-grade men, fillers and extenders of inferior binding capacity are sometimes used, but it is generally understood that these components should not exceed 15 percent to 20 percent of man formulation.
Other readers, however, may be disappointed to see one of the most beloved romantic heroes in fiction described as if he is a Jalapeno Burger.
With all due respect to Total-E-Bound (not to mention the late author Alice Childress), some of us believe that a hero is a lot more than a sandwich.