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And Another Thing


Learning curve

Now this is interesting.

Really? You expect people who've done the kinds of things people have to do to be ejected from an NFL stadium to be, you know, students?

Maybe if the class were called, I don't know, Projectile Vomiting 101, perhaps. Or Sociology .08: A History Of Power Drinking.

But teaching proper human behavior would seem to be a lost cause for guys who slam 87 beers, take off their shirts and run out on the field screaming "Ahhhhh! I'm open, Cutler! I'm open!"

At a Packers-Vikings game.

Nonetheless, I've prepared a small sample of what I imagine to be the course work:

A fan wearing the jersey of the opposing team shows up in your section. You:

A) Buy him a beer, one fan to another.

B) Rib him good-naturedly.

C) Remove one of his ribs and beat him unconscious with it.

(Correct answer: "D" Distract your buddy, who's even more psychotic than you are, by pointing out the blonde two sections over).

The referee has just overturned a crucial call in favor of your team, even though the Jumbotron clearly showed the original call was correct. You:

A) Loudly impugn his eyesight.

B) Loudly impugn his family tree.

C) Look up the word "impugn."

(Correct answer: "D" Distract your psychotic buddy with a different blonde while you hide anything that fits the definition of "thrown object.")

Your quarterback has just thrown ANOTHER interception in the red zone. You:

A) Catch his eye and shout, "That's OK, buddy!"

B) Catch his eye and then pointedly Tebow.

C) Try to hit him in the eye with a "thrown object."

(Correct answer: "D," Follow him to the club, wait until he's had a few pops, take a video with your cellphone of him hitting drunkenly on the blonde from two sections over, and then send it to TMZ).

Ben Smith's blog.