The best of recent jokes by late-night comedians:
I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy – is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching videotape of that first debate over and over and over.
Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that is Latino women for Romney.
No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romneys health care plan.
Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls not just for a re-examination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule.
The head of the CIA and former Gen. David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he cant keep an affair secret, youre screwed. You dont have a chance.
The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today.
The election has been over for three days, but already theres a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. Youd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the I voted stickers off our jackets.
I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from Dancing With the Stars.