The best of recent jokes by late-night comedians:
Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede.
Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.
I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military.
The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelley is a Republican. General Petraeus, thats the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelley was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama.
President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us.
Israels Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90 percent of Hamas missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play.
NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies.
Joe Biden made his birthday wish today. Right after blowing out the candles he asked everyone, Am I invisible yet?