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And Another Thing

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Associated Press

Colts: Once upon a time in Hollywood

The scene: Mr. Corner-Table-Big-Shot-Film-Producer's office. The time: Now.

CORNER TABLE: So, I hear you have a script you'd like to pitch to me.

RANDOM SCRIPTWRITER (holding script, wearing No. 12 Andrew Luck jersey): Yes, sir. It's a bang-up story, sir. I think you'll like it.

CORNER TABLE: So what's your premise?

RANDOM SCRIPTWRITER: Well, there's this professional football team, see. Let's call 'em, uh, the Foals. And it's supposed to be really terrible 'cause it's rebuilding and it's got all these younger players and so on and so forth. And there's a rookie quarterback named, um, Landreu Fortuna, who's supposed to be pretty good.

Well, this, um, Landreu Fortuna, he starts off kinda slow, but then he starts winning games. Five times in 12 games he leads the Foals on last-second scoring drives that miraculously pull out victories. The last time he does it, in Detroit, the Foals are trailing the Lions 12 with less than four minutes left, and somehow, um, Fortuna, who's not played one of his better games, manufactures two scoring drives in the last three minutes to pull out the win. Oh, and the last one ends with a touchdown on the very last play of the game.

This leaves the Foals 8-4 and on the verge of the playoff ...

CORNER TABLE (holding up a hand): OK, I've heard enough. (Shakes his head, sighs). Look, I've gotta tell you, I've heard corny pitches before -- for God's sake, I got talked into making "Rudy" -- but that has to be the corniest I've ever heard. I couldn't possibly bankroll anything so outlandish.

RANDOM GUY: But you haven't heard the best part!

CORNER TABLE: What's the, ahem, "best part"?

RANDOM GUY: Early in the season, the new head coach is diagnosed with leukemia! So he leaves the team to battle the disease, but remains an inspiration in a way he never could have been befor ...!

CORNER TABLE (steam coming out of ears): Oh, come ON! Are you kidding? Get outta my office!

RANDOM GUY: But --

CORNER TABLE: And, no, I will NOT validate your parking!

Ben Smith's blog.

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