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Late-night laughs

The best of recent jokes by late-night comedians:

David Letterman

“According to the Mayan calendar, Dec. 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?”

“Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don’t you?”

Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Democrats say Republican Gov. Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It’s unclear if they’re talking about the 2013 governor’s race or the Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.”

“According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.”

Jay Leno

“Al Qaida’s number-two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al Qaida’s number-three man announced he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.”

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced he’s taking steps to run for president once again. He says he’s seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.”

“A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute – or as Chris Christie calls that, ‘the best forecast ever!’ ”

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