So, you say you want the best seats in the house for the 2014 Super Bowl?
1. Rob a bank. Preferably one of the big ones.
2. Start sucking up to that dotty rich uncle of yours.
This is because normal people -- and by "normal" I mean "people who actually work for a living" -- are no longer welcome at the Super Bowl. Or at least that seems to be the message the NFL is sending with this.
Really, now. $2,600 apiece for the 9,000 "premium seats" at MetLife Stadium in the Meadowlands? $1,500 each for the next tier of seats?
Who's the target audience here, Mark Cuban? Warren Buffet?
Look, it's not like Super Bowl tickets weren't already beyond the wherewithal of Average Joe. It's an elitist event designed and marketed only to elitists. Average Joes need not apply.
But the price for premium tickets represents a jump of more than double the $1,250 the NFL charged for premium tickets last year. And the $1,500 for the next tier of seats is $1,000 more. That's crass even for the NFL.
Not that there isn't some good news. About 40 percent of the seats will be going for less than $1,000 a throw. Call now while supplies last!
Look, I get it. It's simple economics: The NFL is merely charging what the market will bear. And even at these extortionist prices, the market will bear a lot; the waiting list for tickets is just as long as it always is.
But given that this is an outdoor Super Bowl in a northern clime, and given that I'll be enjoying the game in the comfort of my living room (with a better view, actually), I can't help feeling a little mean about all this.
Which is to say: I hope it snows like hell.