Happy Presidents Day. Theres a Presidents Day sale here where you get 50 percent off any mattress if you can prove youre a former president.
There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. Hes back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. Im surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision.
I want to start by wishing everyone a happy Presidents Day because it seems like the right thing to do, even though none of you are actually presidents.
Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, Thats my job! But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyones sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.
Charlie Sheen announced that hes getting married for the fourth time. Charlie said, I just know this is the woman Im going to be with for the rest of my February.
In South Carolina, a woman spent a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of the Jennifer Lopez movie Monster-in-Law – yet the people who made the movie are still allowed to walk free.
Its been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of Game of Thrones.
You know things are bad in this country when even the White House cant afford HBO.
The World Clown Association has announced that the number of clowns worldwide has dropped dramatically. The drop in clowns is mostly due to one fatal car accident.