The Super Bowl. The World Series. The NCAA Tournament. The Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.
And you thought these were life-changing sporting events, the kind of events for which you plan weeks in advance, the kind of events for which you lay in mass quantities of snacks and adult beverages and the like.
Pffft. Obviously you know nothing.
Obviously, you are a normal person with a sense of proportion in your life, because you have no conception of what's big and what's, you know, Big. Because according to the NFL acolytes and various other animal crackers at ESPN, the Running of the Bulls has nothing on the Release of the Schedule in terms of momentousness.
Seriously, here is a line I am not making up from ESPN's story on the release of the NFL schedule (or, the RELEASE OF THE NFL SCHEDULE!), which will occupy two hours of prime-time programming tonight on ESPN2: "Annually, the release of the NFL schedule has become almost like a national holiday."
Really? You mean, like Christmas or Thanksgiving?
I mean, sure, it's a thrilling five minutes or so, finding out who your team's gonna play on Oct. 5 or whatever. And if your Fighting Schlubs are gonna make Monday Night Football for the first time since ol' Geezer Davis played for the Schlubs back before Al Gore invented the internet.
But a national holiday?
Only if you're the sort of person who'd, yes, spend two hours listening to various talking heads blowhole about that big 49ers-Seahawks matchup on Dec. 11. Or would thrill to two hours of prime time coverage of Roger Goodell flossing.
Mint floss, or regular? Uppers first, or lowers? And what's the game plan for those molars?
But first, hit pause.
It seems we're out of Cheetos down here in Mom's basement.