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Editorial columns

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Late-night humor

David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.”

Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 percent of parents don’t think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.”

“Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning.

“Then President Obama said, ‘There’s only one way to find out.’ ”

“In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. And then Samsung said, ‘Beat you to it.’ ”

Seth Meyers

“Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child.

“The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.”

This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.”

“Dutch designers have created a baby’s onesie that comes with built-in Wi-Fi. That way, your child can search the web for better parents.”

“A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading ‘murder’ because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark.”

Jimmy Kimmell

“President Obama’s approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible.”

“I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.”

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