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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, September 30, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Stephen Colbert

“If you've been in New York, you know that the U.N. has been in town all week. Diplomats from every nation on this planet have gathered in New York to spread their message of 'we can park anywhere we want.' ”

Seth Meyers

“Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling 'restaurant quality' dishes. 'Hey, we should try that!' said Olive Garden.”

“A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her fifth grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK's treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended – the kid who got an A.”

“North Korea said today that since president Trump has declared war on the country, it has the right to shoot down U.S. strategic bombers even when they are not inside their air space border. 'Oh, no you don't,' said Trump to a black athlete kneeling.”

“After condemning NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem this weekend, President Trump today tweeted his support forNASCAR. Said Trump, 'Oh yeah, I'm really into racing, I guess you could say I'm quite a racist.' ”

Conan O'Brien

“President Trump is using his 2020 campaign fund to pay his legal fees, which experts say is 'wrong but not illegal.' Coincidentally, 'Wrong But Not Illegal' is also Trump's 2020 campaign slogan.”

“During a speech to African leaders today, President Trump accidentally made up the nation of 'Nambia.' Even worse, he promised to help Nambia in their war with Narnia.”

Jimmy Fallon

“We had a bunch of big football matchups yesterday. You had the Eagles against the Giants, you had the Patriots play against the Texans, and you had the president against everyone.”

“Yesterday, Trump tweeted that players standing with locked arms for the national anthem is OK. Incidentally, people standing with locked arms is also the plan for his border wall. 'Red rover, red rover, don't let anyone come over.' ”

James Corden

“This morning the president retweeted this graphic of an iceberg symbolizing his supporters. It says that the tip of the iceberg is how many Trump supporters the media tells you there are but the bottom is how many Trump supporters there actually are. This is the most attention Trump has paid to climate change since he took office. Is Trump really comparing his supporters to an iceberg? He's basically saying they're cold, detached and slowly disappearing every day.”