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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, February 10, 2018 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Seth Meyers

“According to CNN, FBI Director Christopher Wray has made it clear that he's frustrated that President Trump is not listening to his advice regarding a controversial memo claiming the FBI abused surveillance laws. You're surprised Trump didn't listen to advice? This is the same guy who heard about the eclipse, and told the sun to bring it.”

“President Trump praised Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts' appointment as the RNC's new finance chairman, calling him a great addition. Yeah, great if you want to win one election every 108 years.”

“President Trump criticized the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, tweeting, quote, 'Little Adam Schiff, who is desperate to run for higher office, is one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington.' Meanwhile, eighth-grader Jessica tweeted, 'It is time to come together on bipartisan immigration reform.' ”

“Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn't crunch as loudly. Because there's no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.”

Conan O'Brien

“It's come out that President Trump's director of communications, Hope Hicks, may have partially obstructed justice. Trump said he's furious with Hicks because he hired her to fully obstruct justice.”

Jimmy Fallon

“The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they're keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.”

 “A man in Massachusetts went to claim a $10,000 lottery prize and found out that he misread the ticket and won $1 million. Later, his wife said, 'Did you get the $10,000?' He was like, 'Yes.' ”

Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of people were upset that the voice of Dr. King was used to sell trucks (in a Super Bowl ad). ... They say it was the most polarizing Super Bowl ad since the Men's Wearhouse 'buy one get one free at last' deal back in 1998.”

James Corden

“Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.”

Stephen Colbert

“The Dow closed almost 1,200 points down, erasing its gains for the entire year. The stock market is just like the rest of us: It spent January working on improving itself, then in February said (bleep) it.”