Skip to main content

The Journal Gazette

Saturday, March 03, 2018 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, a lot of major companies announced they will be cutting ties with the NRA, including Delta, Hertz, and MetLife. And here's one that shocked me – today the NRA got dropped by ISIS.”

“In a fashion show that took place yesterday, Dolce & Gabbana sent their handbags down the runway on drones instead of models. But first, each drone was forced to lose 10 pounds.”

“Kylie Jenner's baby daughter has made her debut on Snapchat at one month old. In the Kardashian world, that is known as a 'late bloomer.' ”

“The No. 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show 'The Bachelor' is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it.”

Jimmy Fallon

“The big winner at the Winter Olympics this year is Norway. They won a record 39 medals, wow – or one for each person who lives in Norway.”

“The U.S. men's curling team beat Sweden to win their first gold medal ever! Actually, they were beating Sweden so bad, they conceded the match early. Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration, or as we call that, the 'reverse Ikea.' ”

“A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, 'Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages.' ”

Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump has been president for over a year now. At this point, I go to bed every night believing there's nothing he could say or do that could possibly surprise me. Then the sun comes up.”

James Corden

“The president's son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, had his security clearance downgraded today. Here's how out of the loop Kushner is: He's finding out about all of this right now from me.”

“Former first lady Michelle Obama has announced that her memoir, entitled “Becoming,” will be published in November. Not to be outdone, Melania Trump is going to release her own memoir this summer and it has a similar title. It's called 'Becoming Single.' ”