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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, May 18, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Seth Meyers

“The White House announced it will invoke executive privilege to prevent the release of underlying evidence from the Mueller Report, marking the first time Trump has invoked executive privilege since whenever he last played golf.”

“Hey, Joe – you think Republicans are suddenly going to change their tune and start working with Democrats? Were you asleep during the Obama years? Oh, wait, you were.

“I appreciate that you want a normal government that gets things done in a bipartisan fashion. I think most people do.

“But right now the government is like a pizzeria where half of the employees think there should be more toppings, and the other half doesn't think pizza is real.”

James Corden

“You know that Trump really likes the idea of executive privilege, mainly because Executive Privilege sounds like a line of after-shave he would have released exclusively through JCPenney.”

“It's unclear how long this trade war may last. Just to be on the safe side, Trump has already gotten a note from his doctor so he can get out of it.”

Trevor Noah

“You know some people are disappointed by the name 'Archie.' But there's one person who's super excited – the queen. Yeah.

“Because you know for the last nine months she's been like, 'Please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal!' ”

Stephen Colbert

“There are 10 counts of obstruction outlined in the Mueller Report. That's (Trump's claiming the report showed 'essentially, no obstruction') like Moses coming down from the mountain and saying 'Just talked to God. Essentially, no commandments.' ”

“These tariffs could raise the price of a huge range of products including dog collars, apparel made from reptile leather, mattress supports and Christmas tree lights. That's really going to hurt the holiday-themed sex-dungeon industry.”

“Trump hosted only some of the Red Sox, because at least 10 players, all Latino or African-American, elected not to attend. Yeah. Apparently they didn't want to be in a place associated with racism, other than Fenway Park.”

(On Trump discussing tariffs) “Did he say 'farm product?' I'm not sure he knows what grows on farms.

“[As Trump ] 'You know, farm product. Amber waves of the brown grass stuff, the noncarbonated white cow cola, and the green thing you take off the burger.' ”

“That (new abortion law) is either an overreach by the Alabama GOP or some pretty intense viral marketing for the new season of 'The Handmaid's Tale.' I don't get it. If a TV show has to become reality, why can't it be 'Star Trek' so they can beam me off of this planet?”

“They're going to throw (doctors convicted of performing an abortion) right in the Alabama slammer for 99 years. Let's see, it's 2019, so by the time those doctors get out of jail in Alabama, it will be 1895.”

“The bill also makes no exceptions for victims of rape and incest, because the whole point of this law is to establish that a fetus is a person with rights.

“Now, that is a bold interpretation of human development. But, on the plus side, apparently, pregnant women get to vote twice now.”