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The Journal Gazette

Friday, March 17, 2017 10:01 pm

Late-night laughs

Conan O’Brien

"New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, ‘the Republican health care plan.’ "

"For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president."

"White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning."

James Corden

"Donald Trump elected his ambassador to Russia – former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman. This is great news for Trump. He finally has someone in his administration who is actually supposed to meet with the Russians. Huntsman’s first job as ambassador will be to exchange gifts with his Russian counterpart. And that’s tough, because what do you give somebody who already gave you the White House?"

Stephen Colbert

"The GOP’s new health care bill cleared its first hurdle, when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone who’s spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get at the end."

"The GOP’s health care plan is popular with everyone ... except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans, and – what’s the word? – mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care."

"The Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s health care bill and found 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway."

Jimmy Kimmel

"President Trump invited 100 congressional Republicans to come bowling at the White House. It was a pizza and bowling night, part of what they’re calling the president’s charm offensive. He can be very charming and very offensive. So he puts those together."