The Journal Gazette
Saturday, January 09, 2021 1:00 am

Late night laughs

'Treason finale'

“Who could have seen this coming? Everyone? Even dummies like me. This is the most shocking, most tragic, least surprising thing I've ever seen.

“I really do hope you're enjoying those tax cuts – and those judges, because those judges are really going to be working hard. They're going to be busy throwing these idiots in jail – and by 'idiots' I include the Republicans who let this happen. Like you, Senator Josh Hawley, raising your stupid fist to the mob outside the Capitol. Look at that – it's like 'Black Power' but the opposite. There really should be a name for that. And, obviously, he has to keep his fist closed, because if he opened it, you'd see all the blood on his hands.” – Stephen Colbert

“Remember this morning the news was all saying Democrats now control the Senate? I'm going to say that report was a little premature. 'The Late Show' is ready to project Senate control has passed to Majority Leader Shirtless Freak in a Viking Hat.” – Stephen Colbert

“Thank you for joining us for the treason finale of the Donald Trump era.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Wheel of misfortune

“Pence can't change the results any more than Vanna White can change the phrase on the board.” – Seth Meyers

“Pence's only role is to preside over the ballot count. He's basically one step above a bingo caller.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If this were an after-school special, this is the part where we would tell Mike Pence that if the president says he won't like you unless you give him what he wants, then he doesn't really care about you. He should like you for who you are – although we understand why he wouldn't, because who you are is Mike Pence.

“The vice president can't arbitrarily decide who's the next president.

“Otherwise, in 2001, I'm going to guess Al Gore would have picked Al Gore.” – Stephen Colbert

A call of infamy

“That's right, the Washington Post published an audio recording of President Trump asking the Georgia secretary of state to find enough votes to overturn his loss in the state. Wow, things have gotten a lot easier for The Post since they broke Watergate – now Deep Throat is just Trump himself.” – Seth Meyers

“Apparently every January, Trump's New Year's resolution is to find a new way to get impeached.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump claimed, among many other things, that there is no way he could have lost Georgia because he had bigger crowds than Joe Biden. As if it was some kind of dueling monster truck shows.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One problem: Rally size does not decide an election. That's why on the 20th, we won't be swearing in President BTS.” – Stephen Colbert, referring to the K-pop supergroup

“The president of the United States sounded like an inveterate gambler begging his bookie to float him for one more race. [Imitating Trump] 'I just need 11,000 bucks. I got a great horse. He's a sure thing.' ” – Seth Meyers

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