The Journal Gazette
Saturday, January 23, 2021 1:00 am

Late night laughs

46 – and feeling fine

“Donald Trump is no longer the president of the United States. And look, this isn't going to solve all our problems, but it will remove a big one. If you're addicted to heroin, gambling and prostitutes and you only quit heroin, that's still a huge step.

“Wow, all right. So that's what it feels like when you're not grinding your teeth. I forgot, and I think – yeah, I can see colors again.” – Seth Meyers

“It's so nice to have a president with a soul again. The previous one sold his to the devil and didn't even get Georgia out of the deal.” – Stephen Colbert

“Today this country showed the world that there is no MyPillow large enough to smother our democracy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Right before the Bidens came out, something very auspicious happened: It started snowing. It's an inauguration miracle! [singing to the tune of 'Let It Snow'] Oh, the last guy in charge was frightful, but the new one seems delightful. And now there's four years to go; President Joe, President Joe, President Joe.” – Stephen Colbert

Frightening farewell

“Former President Trump concluded his remarks at this morning's send-off at Joint Base Andrews by telling the crowd, quote, 'We'll see you soon.' 'We were about to say the same thing,' said the Southern District of New York.” – Seth Meyers

“Although I do like how he said he'll 'be back in some form' because my man knows you gotta leave on a cliffhanger.”– Trevor Noah

“That's ominous. What form? A Demogorgon? A Horcrux? Maybe he'll come back as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“ 'In some form?' What does that mean? [imitating Trump] 'Whenever you see a black plastic bag stuck in a tree, or a vulture on the shoulder of the highway pulling the guts out of a dead raccoon, that'll be me.' ” – Seth Meyers

Pardon me?

“Yep, just 36 hours left. You can tell time is running out because Trump is now signing pardons with both hands.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump's leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet – it's down to 29%. Which, for someone who incited a violent insurrection to overthrow the government isn't bad. I mean, honestly, what would he have to do to get below 20% – eat the Constitution?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sources say that tomorrow, on his last full day in office, the president is prepared to issue around 100 pardons and commutations. Why so many? Well, there's reportedly a lucrative market for pardons. Finally, POTUS is running a business that makes money.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Trump tomorrow is reportedly planning to issue at least 100 pardons and commutations. He said he wanted to give so many so that it would be even more hilarious when Giuliani doesn't get one.”– Seth Meyers

“I'm not surprised Trump didn't pardon himself today because then he would be liable for whatever he does tomorrow.”– Jimmy Fallon

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