“There's exciting news in the world of mail delivery. Yeah, brace yourself. The U.S. Postal Service just unveiled their new fleet of delivery trucks, and the future is adorable.
“That thing's just a couple eyeballs away from a Pixar movie. You really get the feeling that engine is going to be going 'pucket-a, pucket-a, pucket-a, pucket-a.'
“But of course there's a controversy. Many of the new trucks will be electric, but not all of them, and 'the precise mix has already elicited criticism from environmentalists.' I understand their concern – I mean, you want the greenest vehicle possible when you're delivering thousands of pounds of Amazon Rainforest that are now Amazon boxes.” – Stephen Colbert
Re: Pence at leisure
“Obedience school seems to be working well for Mike Pence, who has apparently patched things up with his former owner, Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Staying loyal after he sent a mob to kill you? Man, that shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles: he won't even abort a friendship.
“I guess at this point, there's nothing Trump can do to Pence that would make Pence turn on him.
“They basically have the same relationship that we have with our Alexa: 'Ugh, Alexa, I hate you. I wish you would die!' [imitating Alexa] 'I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can help you with?' ” – Trevor Noah
“President Biden met virtually with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau for the first time since taking office. Yep, Biden did the best he could to fix our relationship with Canada. He was like, 'Hey, about the last four years – [imitating Canadian accent] sorry.'
“In response, Trudeau was like, 'On behalf of Canada, thank you for your friendship, for your support and for taking Ted Cruz.' ” – Jimmy Fallon
“You just know they spent the entire time trash-talking Trump and then were like, 'Yeah, uh, we talked about COVID and stuff.' ” – James Corden
The annual Conservative Political Action Conference kicks off this week in Orlando, Florida; the theme: “America Uncanceled.” An invitation to the rapper Young Pharoah was rescinded after his record of anti-Semitic comments came to light.
“It's like Comic-Con for neo-cons and neo-Nazis, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It's a who's who of 'Who needs that many guns in their rec room?' ” – Stephen Colbert
“I didn't know America was canceled. Although, I'm not surprised – the last season was pretty unbelievable.” – Stephen Colbert
“CPAC apparently hadn't known about Young Pharaoh's history of anti-Semitism, and called his views 'reprehensible,' saying they have 'no home' with their conference. Yes, conservatives would never doubt the existence of Jewish people. Otherwise, who's operating the space laser?”– Stephen Colbert
Cruz out of control
“Ted Cruz is like the friend who offers to help you move, but every time you see him, he's just carrying the same box of pillows.
“But Cruz tried to be helpful in other ways. He showed Texans how to make frozen margs with the snow in their living rooms.
“Seriously, you know Cruz is having a rough 2021 when fueling a riot at the Capitol is nowhere near his biggest problem.
“Also, we're in a pandemic. Shaking hands, handing out water, serving food? Right now a Carnival Cruise is safer than a Ted Cruz.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sorry, Cruz, this is not going to cut it, my man. This is the politician version of coming home with flowers the day after Valentine's Day. It's not nothing, but your [expletive] is still sleeping on the couch.” – Trevor Noah
“Like many of Ted Cruz's attempts to mimic human behavior, this one was Ted on arrival.” – Jimmy Kimmel