“Biden is hoping to repair ties with our European allies. I think he'll be well received. I mean, for starters, there won't be a giant baby balloon following him wherever he goes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Come on, Europe, you can't judge us. You had fascists; we had fascists. You have rulers that marry their cousins; we have Rudy Giuliani), who married his cousin. You had Nosferatu; we have – we have Rudy. Potato, pot-ah-to.” – Stephen Colbert
“It's going to be a little awkward trying to mend fences. Every speech he gives is going to begin with 'Uh, hey, look, about the last guy – sorry about that.' ”– James Corden
Bugging the media– and the president
“The news coverage of Biden's trip got off to a bumpy start. The White House press plane was delayed almost seven hours because a swarm of cicadas flew into the engine of the plane. If this was a movie, the government would have to go to a cabin in the woods to convince Sully Sullenberger to do one last job.” – Jimmy Kimmel
a cicada got Joe Biden? I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure that means Joe Biden is now going to turn into a cicada.” – Trevor Noah on Biden's swatting away a cicada on camera
“Tomorrow, that cicada will be on Fox News in a neck brace calling for Biden to be impeached: 'See what he did to me! It's on tape.'
“The cicada returned to his buddies like, 'Damn, the old man's quicker than I expected.'
“Meanwhile, Mike Pence was like, 'Bugs on your head – you're supposed to save that for the big debate.' ” – Jimmy Fallon
“Forget the Secret Service; that man needs a SWAT team!” – Stephen Colbert
“The internet was down for almost an hour today. Multiple major websites crashed this morning due to an outage at a company I'd never heard of before, a cloud services company called Fastly, which sounds like it was named by Donald Trump demanding a Diet Coke.
“Amazon, CNN, The New York Times, Pinterest, Twitch, Google, eBay and more went offline for 50 minutes. It led to the world's most productive hour of time in the last 30 years.
“But it all came back, thank goodness. Everyone in the world hit control-alt-delete at the same time and, voilą, the internet is back – whew!” – Jimmy Kimmel
CEOs in space!
“Jeff Bezos just announced that next month, he'll be flying aboard his company's first manned rocket to space.
“Yep, Bezos will be the first person in space to look down and say, 'I actually can see my house from here.'
“Bezos says it's perfectly safe because he's being packed by the same people who ship Amazon boxes.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I know the real reason Jeff Bezos wants to go into space. It's so he can see everything he owns.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If he wants to see space so badly, he should just open one of his packages.” – Seth Meyers
“I think space travel is a natural fit for the owner of Amazon. Astronauts are just workers who have to wear diapers because they don't get bathroom breaks.” – Trevor Noah