The Journal Gazette
Saturday, July 25, 2020 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Hip-hop huh?

 “Honestly, guys, I don't know what to make of this, I genuinely don't know what to make of this, you know? Because my takeaway from this (campaign rally) is that Kanye West doesn't seem well. Like, I feel like someone who cares about him needs to take his microphone away, although ironically, the best person for that job is Kanye.

 “Kanye West, hip-hop superstar and Kim Kardashian's eldest child.”– Trevor Noah

 “Kanye also used the rally to talk about the issue that matters most to him: how smart he is.”– Joel McHale, subbing for Jimmy Kimmel


 “Today was Trump's first coronavirus briefing in almost three months, or as that's known in Trump time, about 82 tell-all books.

 “The press secretary said the briefings will focus on Trump's accomplishments on the virus. So at least they'll be short.” – Jimmy Fallon

 “It's good that he's going to be talking about the new scientific developments and deferring to the experts, except he's not, because many of the briefings are likely to feature just the president. So instead of getting the old band back together, we're just going to get a daily performance of Trump's solo project, 'The Bleach Boy.' ” – Stephen Colbert

 “Oh, man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can't remember any of the plot lines.” – Seth Meyers

Up to speed

“To give him credit, yesterday's virus-side chat showed the kind of strong, thoughtful leadership we need ...-ed in January.” – Stephen Colbert

“That's right, he's working on a strategy now. He was like, 'The key to disaster response is ... timing.” – Jimmy Fallon

  “My God, I'd say he suffers from extreme short-term memory loss, but then again, he aced that cognitive test, so what do I know? It's too bad coronavirus can't be cured by correctly identifying an elephant on a piece of paper.” – Seth Meyers

Maxwell wishes

“In front of millions of Americans, the president publicly sent well wishes to an alleged sex trafficker (Ghislaine Maxwell), while reminding everyone he's been friends with her for years. I mean, you just can't teach that kind of political talent. Now all Trump has to do is sit back and watch the votes roll in.

“Oh, no, that's going to become a Trump rally chant, isn't it? 'Wish her well! Wish her well!' ” – Seth Meyers

“So, OK, if you're keeping score at home, if you're accused of spray-painting a statue of a Confederate soldier, you're human scum who should be billy-clubbed in the trachea, but if you're accused of recruiting middle schoolers to be sexually assaulted by millionaires, you get a greeting card.” – Stephen Colbert


“Unidentified soldiers throwing protesters into an unmarked van on the streets of Portland? Like, I don't care who you are, nothing good has ever come from an unmarked van. It's never like, 'Get in the van! Get in the unmarked van! We're going to Disney World!'

“And how are people even supposed to tell the difference between being arrested and being kidnapped? Because I don't know if you noticed this, but in America, random dudes walk around in camo gear holding guns all the time.” – Trevor Noah

Fox in the White House

“When asked yesterday about his statements that downplay the severity of the coronavirus, President Trump said, quote, 'I guess everybody makes mistakes.' Yeah, but there are mistakes, and then there are mistakes. When I overwater one of my plants the economy stays open and Americans can still travel to Canada.” – Seth Meyers

“Chris Wallace did two things right there that Trump absolutely hates: He proved him wrong, and he made him do homework.” – Trevor Noah

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