Trevor Noah, on a conspiracy theory retweeted by President Trump: “President Obama killed a secret Bin Laden body double and then killed SEAL Team 6 to cover it up? And then he managed to keep it all quiet for eight years? Woo! Honestly, guys, if that's true, then I'm impressed because that sounds way harder to pull off than just killing bin Laden.
“To me, the best part of this conspiracy is that at some point Obama had to hold auditions for a bin Laden body double to kill.
“[As bin Laden's body double] Thank you so much for giving me this part. I'm so excited. So is this for a TV series? [As Obama] Actually it's more of a one-time thing. [As body double] I also notice there's no script. [As Obama] Yeah, we're just going to shoot a little thing. We'll just shoot something, see what happens.”
“You know, there was supposed to be a debate tomorrow night, but since Trump would not agree to the virtual format that they wanted to have because he tested positive for the coronavirus, he backed out altogether. So, because there was no debate, Biden agreed to do a town hall on ABC that night. So Trump today announced he will also be doing a town hall on NBC and at the same time as Biden. So, that settles it – now I know what I'm gonna do: I'm going to vote for both of them, right?
“Thanks, NBC. First 'The Apprentice' and now this. Why not a new Bill Cosby special while we're at it?
“Of course more people will watch Trump. That doesn't mean anything. If my choices are watching a documentary about the Bill of Rights or a guy getting hit in the (crotch) with a shovel, I'm going shovel every single time.” – Jimmy Kimmel
On the road again
“After a week of being forced to quarantine, Donald J. Trump is back on the campaign trail doing what he loves most – spreading COVID-19.” – Trevor Noah
“Trump did about an hour of material in Florida, and he killed. He really killed. ....
“This rally in Florida was packed with thousands of maskless people, all there to see their beloved Spready Krueger.”– Jimmy Kimmel
“I mean, this just shows you how powerful Trumpism is. His supporters think that his success is their success. They're running around that rally like they got over COVID: 'Yeah, we're immune, baby!' They're like that with everything Trump does: 'Yeah, we got tax cuts, baby!' No, [expletive], he got his tax cut – you're unemployed.”– Trevor Noah