Rage against the machines
“Facebook's entire site crashed. They were like, 'Oh, my god, this is the best press we've had in months!' ” – Jimmy Fallon
“As the panic grew, Facebook did not say what might be causing the outage. Now, I'm no computer expert, but my theory is, a just God?
“For hours, users were left in suspense about whether their second cousin thinks the vaccine gives your pancreas Wi-Fi.
“It was so bad that the only way Facebook could let the world know what was going on – and this is true – was by posting a message on Twitter.
“Now, clearly, this is the day the machines have risen up and are taking over, but don't panic: They only know our thoughts, feelings, family, friends, location, facial patterns and banking data.” – Stephen Colbert
“A Facebook whistleblower testified for more than three hours in front of Congress and said some pretty damaging things. That's right, the whistleblower said Facebook has repeatedly misled the public and that is not OK. We already have an app for misleading the public – it's called Tinder.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The whistle-blower, Frances Haugen, claimed, among other things, that Facebook prioritizes angry posts – they get the most traction. (Facebook CEO Mark) Zuckerberg rejected those claims in an angry post.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Stephanie Grisham worked in the White House for four years, and as press secretary, she famously never gave a single press conference. But now she's spilling all the tea in her new book, 'I Just Recently Grew a Spine.'
“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it 'a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks.' ... Yeah, just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years.” – Stephen Colbert