A record Shatnered
“Blue Origin, the company founded by Jeff Bezos, prime-delivered their second group of civilian passengers into space and back today. And guess who's in that rocket? T.J. Hooker himself, William Shatner.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“But, yeah, oldest person ever to go to space, which is amazing. Like, I don't know about you, but I love it when old people break records, you know? That is why so many people support Tom Brady. I mean, your grandpa can't throw like that.
“I will say it is pretty cool that he gave an Amazon review about his trip to an actual Amazon guy. That is pretty cool. No one gets to tell Jeff Bezos about his products to his face.” – Trevor Noah
Since Fourteen hundred ninety-two ...
“Happy Indigenous Peoples' or Columbus Day, depending on which cable news channel you watch.
“He was never here, and yet, we named a whole city in Ohio after him.”– Jimmy Kimmel
Who let the shots out?
“So on Saturday, The Times reported that Moderna 'has been supplying its shots almost exclusively to wealthy nations, keeping the poorer countries waiting and earning billions of dollars in profit.' I'm sure that's just a coincidence, right? [Imitating Moderna spokesperson] 'Guys! We're doing it alphabetically: America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Denmark – it's not our fault the rich countries come first. Zambia, Zimbabwe, we'll get there eventually, hang in.'
“The COVID vaccine is Moderna's only product – it's the only thing the company sells. Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it. This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording 'Who Let the Dogs Out,' you know?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Look, man, I get it – Moderna is a business and they want to make money themselves, but at least come up with a better excuse, you know, like the vaccine formula is an old family recipe.” – Trevor Noah
“Last night, Las Vegas Raiders head coach Jon Gruden resigned after old emails came out showing his use of homophobic, racist and misogynistic language.
“Oh, lord. Do you know how bad it's got to be to get kicked out of Las Vegas? They've got no rules there.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The emails were so offensive, the Raiders almost made him offensive coordinator.
“You know you screwed up when you're not fit to coach a team whose fans dress like actual demons.”– Jimmy Kimmel
“This dude hit everybody – Blacks, gays, women, protesters, brain-damage victims. It's almost like he was competing in a cancellation decathlon.
“I mean, I can't believe I have to say this but, people, people – you should not be writing racist emails. Just get up, walk over to your co-worker's desk and say the N-word in person. It's called human interaction, people.” – Trevor Noah