The Journal Gazette
Saturday, November 27, 2021 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Oil's well?

President Joe Biden on Tuesday announced the release of 50 million barrels from the nation's strategic petroleum reserve in an effort to lower gas prices.

“It's not clear if this is gonna work. Energy experts have consistently said such a release would do little to lower prices at the pump.

“ It's also not the best look right after you come back from a climate conference: 'We must end our addiction to fossil fuels. What's that? Gas is $3.50 a gallon? Let the rivers be choked with crude oil and the carcasses of pelicans!' ” – Stephen Colbert

“This is great news for me. I was just thinking of getting my wife a barrel of oil for Christmas.” – James Corden

Happy birthday, Mr. President

“Biden kicked off his birthday weekend with a colonoscopy. Doctors said there were no traces of malarkey.” – Jimmy Kimmel

 “Biden spent his birthday in Wilmington, Delaware, and went to a 5 o'clock Mass. Man, does this guy know how to party or what?” Jimmy Fallon said on Monday night. “I mean, even Mike Pence was like, 'Ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese?' ”

“Democrats call it a happy occasion, and Republicans call it proof that inflation is out of control.” – Seth Meyers

“To give you perspective on how old that is, Bill Clinton – remember him? The guy who was president almost 30 years ago? – he's 75 now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But you can tell Biden's 79 because, when he blew out his candles, everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Glad he's healthy, of course. Kind of hoping they'd find that he has that Benjamin Button disease – he's actually getting younger every day.

“Personally, I'm grateful that on Friday, history was made because Joe Biden temporarily transferred power to Vice President Kamala Harris while undergoing a routine colonoscopy, making Harris the first woman to assume presidential power. Yes, 100 years after women got the right to vote, we finally got the first female president on a technicality.” – Stephen Colbert

Poetry in motion

“President Biden traveled to Nantucket for Thanksgiving, but only after Jill made him swear on the Bible: No limericks.” – Seth Meyers

“Reminds me of the famous 'There once was a man in Nantucket/whose poll numbers really did suck it.'/At least he is not/that orange Pol Pot/who ate all his meals from a bucket.” – Stephen Colbert

“I have a feeling Biden's the only person who says, 'I once knew a man from Nantucket,' and then tells an actual story about that man.

“That's how bad Thanksgiving traffic is – even the president has to leave two days early.” – Jimmy Fallon

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