The Journal Gazette
 
 
Saturday, January 22, 2022 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Happy anniversary?

“President Biden said yesterday that his first year in office has been 'a year of challenges,' but he'd rather focus on the positives, like your COVID test.” – Seth Meyers

“It seems like just yesterday our democracy was being held hostage by a cabal of obstructionists who didn't want every vote counted. Oh, wait, that was yesterday.” – Stephen Colbert

The vote on voting

After voting-rights legislation failed in the Senate ...

“Republicans want to add restrictions to voting because they are worried about voter fraud, even though it's almost completely nonexistent, voter fraud. Hey, you know what? You guys believe climate change is nonexistent, right? How about coming up with some restrictions for that? Let's compromise on this.” –  Jimmy Kimmel

“You can't compromise with the side that's doing the damage. When you're putting out a fire, you don't call the fire department and the arsonist, and see what they can work out together.” – Seth Meyers

“Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema believe so strongly in the power of voting that they use their vote to block voting rights for the entire country. They were unvoting voting by voting.” – Trevor Noah

“The big takeaway is the people you voted for voted to make it harder for you to vote.” – James Corden

This is a test ...

“Free COVID tests by mail. What a great idea if this was a year ago.

“You get four tests per household, which is great news for people who live alone and literally no one else. Because what if you have a family of five? Do you start ranking your children?” – Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if I trust at-home tests. We're just going to test ourselves for antigens? Is that before or after we mess up the directions on an Easy Mac?” – Trevor Noah

Trumped-up investigation

“According to documents filed by the attorney general in New York last night, they've uncovered evidence that indicates the Trump Organization repeatedly engaged in 'fraudulent or misleading' practices. The walls appear to be closing in on Trump – big, beautiful walls.

“But it's a fairly straightforward case. To find fraud in a business, you just have to look for the signs – particularly the signs at the top of the building that say 'Trump' on them – and you will find it there. There is where you will find his male pattern fraudness.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know how when people are shocked, they spit out their water? When I heard Donald Trump exaggerated the value of his assets for the purposes of lying to banks and the IRS, it was so the reverse of shocking, I sucked the water back into my mouth.” – Seth Meyers


Share this article

Email story

Subscribe to our newsletters

* indicates required
Newsletters