On plans for a “straight pride parade” in Boston: “The city has had six Super Bowl parades – what do you think that is?
“If a straight man wants to grill steaks while wearing cargo shorts talking about how much they love watching 'Scarface,' no one should try to stop them. And yet no one is trying to stop them, but that's not the point. The point is straight people deserve a parade because they've been oppressed for too long. Do you realize that straight marriage has only been legal for like 4,000 years, huh? Do you realize straight people are the only group that don't get their own slur, huh?”
“Really? All 52 bedrooms in Buckingham Palace are being renovated at the same time? All of them? Come on, man! Like, I know you don't want Trump to stay there, but that's a terrible excuse, because now I'm picturing the queen being like, 'Donald, I really tried to get you a room, but the manager said no. I'm sorry, Donald, it's above me now.' ”
“Obviously, British protesters are taking to the street to make Trump feel unwelcome in the U.K., but for Trump, protests are like Eric – he just pretends they don't exist.”
“I don't think Trump touching the queen was offensive. What was offensive was Trump's outfit for the big dinner.
“How can a man have access to the nuclear codes but not a tailor?
“I knew Robert Pattinson was picked to be the new Batman, but now I guess we also know who is going to play the Penguin.”
“Unlike President Obama, President Trump was not invited to stay at Buckingham Palace. Yeah, when asked why, the queen said, 'We're worried about our property value.' ”
“Prince Harry's wife, Meghan Markle, was able to avoid meeting President Trump because she's on maternity leave. So she got to avoid him. So today, when Trump said he'd like to come back, Queen Elizabeth announced she's pregnant. She said she will be for the next – until Trump's term in office is over.”
“Queen Elizabeth gave Trump a first-edition copy of Churchill's World War II book. [Imitating Trump] 'Look, thank you so much, but don't tell me how it ends. I really like that German Charlie Chaplin who invented the high five!' ”
“Now if you are wondering the difference between the gay pride parade and straight pride parade, the gay pride parade will have women at it.”