The Journal Gazette
Saturday, June 15, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Stephen Colbert

“Everyone is gonna feel these tariffs (proposed against Mexico). Our top four agricultural imports from Mexico are beer, avocados, tomatoes and tequila. Trump is putting a tariff on summer!”

“Biden's right: It's not about Donald, which is why Biden in his speech talked about Trump only 76 times. The only person talking about Donald Trump more than Joe Biden is Donald Trump – and me.”

“Biden's the dummy? May I point out, only one of you is sitting on Putin's lap with his hand up your butt.”

“[Imitating Trump] 'Look, look, if I don't have a secret agreement with Mexico, then how do I have this piece of paper right here? How I do have a piece of paper that I will not read to you, OK? OK? Here's Middle East peace right here. It smells so fantastic. Yes, peace right there. There we go. All right. OK, we've got the Mexico deal, we've got Middle East peace, and hold on, the Colonel's secret recipe right here: seven herbs and spices.”

Conan O'Brien

“Did you know Trump has a golf course in Ireland? True story. It cost him $41 million and has never turned a profit. That's true. In other words, it's his most successful property.”

“President Trump's campaign strategy is to paint Joe Biden as feeble. That's what they're gonna try and do. And Biden's strategy is to try and portray President Trump as President Trump. So, parallel strategy.”

Seth Meyers

“President Trump today attacked former Vice President Joe Biden, saying, 'I like running against people who are weak mentally.' 'It's harder than you think,' said Hillary.”

“I don't know, seeing Joe just isn't the same without Obama there. It's like going to a concert to see Oates.”

“The New York Times reported that after being briefed on a devastating 17-state poll conducted by his campaign pollster, Trump told aides to deny that his internal polling showed him trailing Joe Biden in many of the states he needs to win. I wouldn't be surprised if they were making up new states just to cheer him up. 'Good news, Mr. President. You're winning big in Old Jersey, East Dakota, Californication and Blorf.' ”

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