The Journal Gazette
Saturday, August 03, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Stephen Colbert

“[Imitating Trump singing] God bless America, except Baltimore. They've got rats there, no MAGA hats there. I avoid it because they are poor.”

“Tonight it was all about the moderates, baby! It was the tempest of the centrists! It was the rage for incremental change!”

Trevor Noah

“Of course (Baltimore) has rats. But you know which other cities have rats? All the best cities in the world – Paris, London, New York – they all have a rat problem. In fact, I'm starting to think if your city doesn't have rats it's because you live in a boring-ass city and your food sucks because rats – rats want to have a good time, too. Everyone's seen the photo of Pizza Rat. But people don't realize later that night he changed into Opera Rat. He has many tastes.”

“Many people say Trump's words are clearly racist, but Trump says it's the black people who are the true racists because they keep bringing up race every time someone says something racist.”

Seth Meyers

“During her opening statement in tonight's Democratic debate, Senator Elizabeth Warren said that President Trump disgraces the office of the president every single day, which isn't fair, because he's really only in the office like twice a week.”

“Everyone was looking for their moment to stand out. There were big questions for each of them. Questions like, 'Who the hell are these guys?' ”

“Entrepreneur Andrew Yang used his opening statement tonight to differentiate himself from President Trump, saying, 'The opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math,' which is a great point, but I actually think the opposite of Trump would be a black guy who is a good president.”

“Trump watches policy debates the way the rest of us watch foreign movies: [As Trump] 'I don't know what they're talking about, but the fight scenes are amazing.' ”

(On Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand's saying that her first act as president would be to “Clorox the Oval Office”): “OK, first of all, I don't think it's legal to use bleach on an active crime scene. Secondly, you're definitely, definitely going to need something stronger than Clorox. I would try burning sage or holding a sťance. You're going to need a belt sander to get the ketchup stains off the desk.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“Can't they combine Tim Ryan, Steve Bullock and John Delaney and make them all one guy?”

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