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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Seth Meyers

“Former Vice President Joe Biden apologized this weekend after misspeaking at an event and saying, quote, 'Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids,' adding, 'Sorry, that came out gay.' ”

Stephen Colbert

“We've spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks talking about Trump's racist rhetoric. But there's one race Trump dislikes more than all the others, and that's the race for the Democratic nomination.”

(On conspiracy theories regarding Jeffrey Epstein's suicide: “I'm not saying the Clintons don't have any power – they could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in New York City, party of four, 7:00. On a Saturday? Maybe not. But masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal custody? They couldn't even mastermind a visit to Wisconsin.”

“(John) Hickenlooper has struggled to gain traction and is considering ending his presidential bid and entering the race for Colorado's Republican-held Senate seat. Bravo! Bravo! Good for you! I like that. You see, finally, a man willing to step up, put aside his ego and do what is good for the country. That guy should run for president.

“On Sunday, The Denver Post published a poll saying Hickenlooper would lead other Democrats in the Colorado Senate race by 51 percentage points, which shocked Hickenlooper – he did not know poll numbers could have two digits.”

Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump spent Monday golfing at his New Jersey club with the PGA pro John Daly as part of his 10-day vacation from the White House. Daly tweeted a photo of the two with a message that read, in part, “One of the greatest days of my life!” and #dad.

“ 'Dad'? What kind of bet did those two make?”

Jimmy Fallon

“That's a rare photo of John Daly and a guy who tweets from the john, daily.”

“All the Democratic presidential candidates are visiting the Iowa State Fair. Yep, it's the time of the year where they all pretend to be relatable by wearing jeans.”

Trevor Noah

“Melania Trump helped her parents chain-migrate to the U.S., so that's what Donald Trump was trying to stop. He was trying to turn his in-laws into outlaws, yeah – which is super hard-core.

“... Melania got a green card through the Einstein Visa program, which seems strange. Although I guess if you spend enough time standing next to Donald, anyone starts to look like Einstein.”