Saturday, September 07, 2019 1:00 am
“[Imitating Trump] I've never heard of a Category 5. Up until I took office, four was the largest number. Now they invented five. And wait – hold on. I have an idea. Are you ready for this? Six.”
“That's not what anyone wants to hear from the president when a hurricane is bearing down on them. It's like if you called 911 and the operator said, '[Expletive]! One hundred and four-degree fever? I didn't know they went that high! Gary! Gary, did you know it went to 104? Gary knew.' ”
“Said Trump, 'Well, I've also never heard of Puerto Rico, so.'”
“President Trump faced international criticism this weekend after he was seen playing golf instead of staying in the office to monitor the progress of Hurricane Dorian, though, honestly, would that be better? Making Trump monitor the hurricane would be like making your 4-year-old do the dishes. After about five minutes, you'd be like, 'You know what, Tyler? Just go out and play.' ”
On Wednesday, Trump displayed an altered map in discussing Dorian's possible path.
“According to a new poll, former Vice President Joe Biden leads President Trump by nine points in Wisconsin. And when Trump heard that, he updated the hurricane map again.”
“He's not even trying to hide the lies anymore. Not only do we have fake news, we now have fake weather, too. I'm hoping we get fake sports because I want to see the Mets win the World Series.”
“Trump had to be corrected by the National Weather Service! And I know we're used to it by now, but it still amazes me how often the government has to tell you not to pay attention to the president.”
“The world's most precious forest is on fire. Brazil's leaders aren't doing enough to stop it and its president might even want this to happen. So I'm gonna be honest, folks; it seems like there's only one man who can stop this: Donald J. Trump.
“You see, what we need to do is – we need to get the president to pull out that magic Sharpie of his, and we need to get him to send that hurricane down from Alabama all the way to Brazil to fan out the flames. Come on, Mr. Trump, use your power for good!”
“Clearly he drew on the map. Americans saw that and were like, 'Don't let him anywhere near the Constitution, please.' [imitating Trump] 'As you can see, our founding fathers clearly wanted free guac at Chipotle. That's what they – I didn't do it. Someone else did that to the Constitution.' ”