Skip to main content

The Journal Gazette

Saturday, September 14, 2019 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

An Apple a day ...

“Apple is not messing around. They've already taken over phones, now they're trying to take over watches, they're launching TV shows, they're trying to take over video games.

Yeah, next year, Popeyes, watch out – they're going to come out with a chicken sandwich.” – Trevor Noah

Thursday's Top 10 list

“Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate. The top 10 candidates will all be there: Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Mayor Pete, Comptroller Jim, probably Samuel L. Jackson – he's in everything these days. The Progressive insurance lady, although Bernie thinks she's not progressive enough.” – Stephen Colbert

Bolton the White House

“That's right, President Trump has fired national security adviser John Bolton, and you have to appreciate the irony of John Bolton being taken out by a pre-emptive strike.” – Seth Meyers

“And to mark the occasion, his mustache was lowered to half mast.

“By the way, Bolton was the third national security adviser Trump has pushed out. Honestly, it's amazing that America's unemployment numbers are so low considering Trump has fired half of the country.” – Trevor Noah

Talibanned

“So the Taliban refused to come to America and Trump tweeted out, 'No, I'm breaking up with you guys!' ” – Trevor Noah“Yeah, I know, I know, I'm thinking the exact same thing – I really hope him canceling doesn't damage America's relationship with the Taliban.” – James Corden

“And if you're wondering where we are as a nation, my first thought was, 'I don't know, I'll believe it when I hear it from the Taliban.' ” – Seth Meyers

“Of course this is especially fascinating because back in 2012 Trump tweeted this: 'While Barack Obama is slashing the military he's also negotiating with our sworn enemy the Taliban, who facilitated 9/11.'

“That was written by the man who not only did he invite the Taliban over for a sleepover, last week he slashed $3.6 billion from the military to build his wall.” – Jimmy Kimmel

HGTrumpV?

“Trump thinks all of television should be about him all the times.

“[As Trump] 'Just watched an episode of “Property Brothers.” They redid a bathroom. Not a mention of me, even though I use bathrooms all the time. ... Boring Drew Scott and his filthy mouthed twin are total losers!' ” – Stephen Colbert

A cloud of vapor

“President Trump announced today that he will consider banning the sale of all nontobacco-flavored vaping products, which is a shame, because vaping was the only way most American kids would ever find out what fruit tastes like.” – Seth Meyers

“I mean, just listen to the flavors. You've got mango, jelly bean, birthday cake – those are clearly for kids, right? Adults don't flavor their drugs.

“Like, I watched 'Narcos' – there was never a moment where someone was like, 'Let me sample your product, man. Ah, yeah, butterscotch, I like it.' ” – Trevor Noah