'Don and the Giant Impeach'
“Meanwhile, down in Washington, D.C., the president and his allies journeyed to the mountains of madness, where all meaning was devoured in the cavernous maw of stupid. And they all got on the crazy train for one reason: to try and confuse everyone about a very simple story. It's 'Don and the Giant Impeach.' ” – Stephen Colbert
“But Democrats now say that they're going to vote on impeachment by the end of the year and – this is nice – they have already hired Ryan Seacrest to host their Impeachment Rockin' Eve party.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over one weekend, the president of the United States sent out more than 100 tweets – or as they will soon be known, Exhibits A through Z.” – James Corden
“But Trump tweeted he wants to meet the whistleblower in person, however their identity and whereabouts are unknown. They are probably hidden in a place no one ever goes – so most likely, they're at a Forever 21.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I would say the president is starting to unravel, but that would imply he was raveled in the first place.” – Jimmy Kimmel
(After Trump retweeted from an account named “Trump but About Sharks.”) “I know it seems careless, but in Trump's defense he does just automatically retweet anything as soon as he sees the words 'great white.' ” – James Corden
The best help, Barr none
“Bill Barr is traveling the world trying to prove that all of Trump's conspiracy theories are true. He's going to find Obama's birth certificate. He's going to find all the people that aliens abducted from Trump's inauguration crowd, and finally bring help to hurricane-ravaged Alabama.
“And last week, the attorney general traveled to Italy, where he met with senior Italian government officials. Really? Italy? Either Barr is on a worldwide collusion tour, or he's on a journey of midlife discovery called 'Eat, Pray, Lie.' ” – Stephen Colbert
“There's a viral video of this beverage cart at O'Hare airport. It's spinning, it's spinning ... it's gonna hit the plane. Oh! It just barely misses the plane and blam! Forklift guy saves the day!
“You know who else liked that video? Donald Trump. It's true. I'm not making that up. Trump retweeted it with the comment, 'Great job, just in time!' Got a lot of time on his hands. Cat's got a lot of time on his hands. I agree, Mr. President. I think we can all relate to the story of a dangerous, out-of-control thing being stopped just in time.” – Stephen Colbert
“The president can relate to this beverage cart because he's also full of Diet Coke and spinning completely out of control.” – James Corden